My Name is Danielle, This is who I am

Most people do the I am a mother, daughter, sister, etc; thing. I am so much more. While I am proud of who I am by those definitions, I have others that truly break down what really defines who I am and how I came to be.

I have two chapters in my life. One is from birth to age 18 and 11/12ths (one month shy of my 19th birthday) and then there is the one from 18 and 11/12ths (that remainder of time just before my 19th birthday) to present day and onward to the future. I will refer to them simply as old me and new me... there is a distinction between the two. Some of my friends only knew me as the 'new' me but I have told them stories of the old me. Other friends and family knew me as both but some family cannot distinguish between the old me and the new me. The still see the little girl who talked entirely too much. Acted inappropriately at times and was very nervous. Not much has changed. I still talk a lot, but I try and keep it to a minimum. If I act inappropriately, I do so consciously and usually with good will and humour intended. I am still very nervous but the new me suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to abuses I suffered at the hands of a very mentally ill individual when I was the old me. I will regale the readers with details of this later.

I have decided to write about who I am, because of some emails I have received from family. One cousin and one sibling in particular. I am keeping names out of this, but if they were to stumble upon this blog, they would know and recognize themselves in this as they know what they said and did to me.

As the old me and being the youngest of four children, I always felt I was being raised by 5 parents; my parents and three siblings. Like all kids I told little lies, I did things to bug the older ones, and I definitely got on peoples nerves. I recognize this as an adult and I now own up to everything I may have done wrong as a child. The past is the past. I am sure they did things wrong in the past too. The problem is that for some reason these two people have never let me 'grow' up. They continually call me a liar via emails, despite me fighting and PROVING that I have not lied during recent events OVER AND OVER but all they could say was that I was a liar from childhood... they would not realize that child grew up. That child was no longer telling tales. I was no longer crying wolf and had not in over 25+ years!!!

I was accused of doing things I am unable to do because I do not have the capabilities to do so. I have been accused of hacking into other peoples computers. I know electronics, sure... but I KNOW DESIGN, CIRCUIT BOARD ETCHING, BUILDING AND TROUBLESHOOTING OF HARDWARE ISSUES. Cracking of software is not my forte...but I thank them for giving me the credit for this illegal activity... this is the first time they acknowledged my intelligence whatsoever, even though I cannot do this. It was almost humourous if not so pathetic and insulting.

I have an IQ of 163. I get treated like an idiot all the time. I get talked down to because I require clarification, or perhaps the person to whom I am speaking has been unclear and there could be two ways to interpret their comments/statements. Some people might say "she is blonde, or a little shy on the uptake, a little slow to catch on..." but give me a math equation, a working circuit board or a faulty circuit board or even a poor running car... and we will see where Danielle shines!!! God bless my husband for he understands my mind and how I need clarity to better understand what is being said.

A great example of how my mind works: I slept through my physics class in college and still scored second highest in my class. Bless my professor who knew that my son (who was only 3 years old at the time) was very, very sick and I was up all the time with him when he was ill which seemed to be all the time. He knew my marks were good, and he let me sleep, often commenting how I only snored a few times through class that day (and he often included a laugh, he was very kind to me). These are some of the people who have the patience with new me, there are so many more and I will get to them as time and this post moves forward. Some of these people are my sanity. They are my loves, my strength. Not romantically. I love them as family, they could see in me so much more than a pain... they saw what lied beneath, capability. I have filled the voids that I lost with the people who should have stayed with me... with the people who did stay in my life (friends), or those who came back into my life just at the time when I needed someone the most. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe this. Everyone is in your life for a reason and this I also believe. Life is too short to live my life with people who make life miserable.

I'm a fighter. I fought for my life a few times. Once I was shot at, and the loser missed, second time I had a knife held to my throat. I was being forced to change brakes and flex hoses as I was accused by my ex that I had cut the brake lines. This made no sense as I was the last one who drove the car, and had no brakes when driving it... but oh well he was nuts and I know that now!!! I was 5 months pregnant with my son. I managed to escape. That was the night I got put into a safe house and plans were put in the works to send me back to Canada (from the US) to my parents where I would be safe. That was the death of 'old' me when I boarded that plane, never to return...all memories in tact, nightmares to remain to this day, but a 'new' me was born, a stronger me. One who vowed to NEVER starve again, one who will never be struck by a man, one who will never EVER be made be feel inferior and I WILL FIGHT for years (up to and including the present) to enforce the latter.

I don't just fight for myself. I fight for all those I see being wronged. It could be a cashier at a store checkout being yelled at by a customer who is, well, flat out wrong and I know the customer is wrong because I witnessed it. It could be my parents who were wronged by a crooked auto repair shop who was falsifying car problems to maximize their profits. It could be a child being bullied by other children, not just my kids but other parents would not want their children bullied I am sure. I fight... but I don't fight from an office. I don't fight on TV. I stand up for what I believe is right at the time that I see it. I don't wait to address it. Too many times people have "turned the other way" when they saw me being wronged.

I have so many stories, from nursing school where our group of eight witnessed our nursing teacher say horrible things to me and belittle and insult me over and over again. They were so scared of her and told me repeatedly they "wanted" to say something but were concerned about their futures in the school. That same teacher had said to me "Can't you lose weight, your legs make you look like you have a health problem and no one wants a nurse who has a health problem to take care of them" This was in 1992. I was diagnosed with Lymphedema earlier this year (2010).... I have had HUGE legs for years... and was always a target for insults and ridicule!!!! I did have a health problem, but it was nothing that would hinder my providing care to patients. I fought and went to the administration/student counselor of the nursing school. Their response "This teacher is one of my friends, she would never do this to anyone" I knew I lost that fight. I lost this fight because I fought alone. No one would stand up with me. Seven other nursing students all saw what was being done to me, but none could come forward for fear of their futures and retribution from the school. I HAD TO STAND AND FIGHT ALONE!!! But that was a great example of "Everything happens for a reason". I will refer to this little quote often.

I came to the conclusion that perhaps nursing wasn't for me. I always wanted to be a doctor, but always knew with a young child at home AND being a single parent all this time for schooling was probably going to be a no-go anyway. I will continue to study the practice of medicine. The dream may be gone, the desire will forever remain. Being a nurse for me is like being Miss Congeniality in the Miss Universe pageant. It wasn't what you really wanted, and you will forever want what you failed to obtain. I myself am not willing nor was I willing to settle. I wanted so bad to be a doctor. To settle taking orders from doctors, just wasn't in my heart. I knew deep down I would forever feel that loss deep in my heart.

Electronics Engineering Technologist. This was a good fit for me. I was able to diagnose, treat and repair (just like a doctor) and even design. Only the patients were not sentient. I didn't know ANYTHING about Electronics when I entered the course... not a clue... everyone else... seemed to know everything... I didn't even know the purpose of a basic resistor. Or Ohm or anything like that... how stupid does that sound... ridiculous if you know this.. if you don't it is OK... don't feel bad... I didn't either.

By the end of the first term, I went from not knowing anything to being top in my class. I managed to piss everyone off because they were all so sure I was cheating. Then they decided I was being "pushed" through because I was female. It was not because I had an uncanny ability to see circuits in my head, it had nothing to do with being able to memorize countless theorems and equations without a cheat sheet. It had nothing to do with me understanding all the Laws of Physics without any difficulties whatsoever. It was because I had a vagina and two boobs. Damn... All this power and I didn't know it before I entered term 1 of this course.

Large Marge the Human Barge That was my name in electronics. They called me that because they never took the time to realize my name was DANIELLE. Margaret was another girl in class who did not make it through first term (yet she was female too... HUH!)They thought she was Danielle cause she was skinny and pretty. I looked more like a Marge...Large Marge the Human Barge... yeah I was fat.

Unisys GSG and the Canadian Patrol Frigate Program What a job.... Did you people know that I only got this job because I was a female... it was not because I was on the Dean's list, and the Presidents List? It was not because I had top marks in my class and aced all the prerequisite job testing. It was because of my vagina and boobs again. Man, am I ever glad I had them added before I got into that course. By then I was the only female in the class. I was without a lab partner and was working solo. The boys must not have wanted to catch girl cooties... but oh dear if their labs didn't work... guess who got brought a nice hot coffee and a cinnamon roll from the cafeteria... ME, that's right.. Large Marge the HUMAN BARGE!!! Stupidly, because I wanted to make friends I would help, only to be ignored once they got what they wanted: A passing lab score. When I went to the Department head to complain. He suggested it was because I was female and more sensitive and he also knew I was pregnant with my daughter at the time, which did not make things any better for my cause either. Sexist bastard that he was. I was the only female in class. No man would come forward to say about another male was treating me this way... are you kidding me??? The Professors knew I did not have a lab partner... a class of 13. They did not want a lab with more than two people in a team... nice way to make a person more isolated in an odd numbered class. I STOOD ALONE!

Unisys was not the only job offer extended to me... NB Power also extended a job offer to me... that was a real source of contention amongst my classmates. I was the only one to get two job offers. A few students had NO JOB offers at all... I chose Unisys over NB power because how many people can claim they had their hands in building a Navy ship??? It was one of the highlights of my life and some the best memories I ever had. I worked with Navigation and Underwater Combat Control Systems... I got to work with awesome toys like the SONAR and Doppler Speed Log, TACAN, INS, Torpedo, NIXIE, Sonobuoy Processing System, Horizon Bar Systems, Card Repeaters and so much more. What an experience!

I am going to close this portion of "Who I am" as this gives a little bit of what was me, in the past and present, although mostly past. I figure those of you who have memories of the old Danielle may be surprised to learn of the things I have seen, done and unfortunately, in some cases, had to live through.

I still stand alone. I still fight alone. When I go and I need someone with me... there is often a body close by... but the presence of someone who 'fights' with me is not there. I fight alone. I am in pain alone. No one will bear witness to the agony I have suffered although they have witnessed it themselves. Everyone looks out for themselves anymore. I have faced so much alone.. I never want anyone to be alone... so I will "fight with them". Where is everyone when I need someone to fight with or for me??? If you ever see something wrong... SPEAK UP... you may be doing someone a favour that they do desperately need and you could really make a difference in their lives. One you could not possibly imagine.