Oh yes... the school years. Since I don't really remember much from my school years in Canada with the exception of a nun dragging me around by my ear when I spoke English in a French school when I was in Grade 1, (I was living in a French town at the time). I can't give much more detail from my younger school years. I was in my 3rd year of elementary school when my family relocated to Mississippi. Here is the story. I am going to try and keep this in chronological order... but memories from so long ago are not date and time stamped. That would make things so much more complicated in an already busy mind ;oP
I remember the first day of school in Picayune. I didn't want to go. I didn't know ANYONE!!! Even back then I did not like crowds or groups and especially so when you are in unfamiliar surroundings. My mother didn't know what school to take me to... there was only one junior high for my brother... and one high school for my older brother and sister. So she took me to the elementary school she thought was closest to home. West Side Elementary. I don't remember much there. They put the run to me and mom once they found out where I lived. They told me my school was South Side and I had to go there. I remember that... they gave my mom directions.
This school scared me, and it scared my mom... it was all fenced in and it looked abandoned and if I remember correctly it was not in great shape at least compared to the previous school we were at before they redirected us. My mother enrolled me and she was told to take me to Mrs. Grantham's class... and was given directions how to get me there... no escort from the office, no paper work AND my mom had to make the introductions. Mrs Grantham was not very pleased and she basically said to my mother... she had no room for me, to take me back to the office. My mom said "The office said to bring her here. If you have a problem with the office, YOU go to the office" OH SHIT... here we go, I remember starting to cry already. "My teacher didn't want me." I remember thinking. Remember old me had confidence issues at this point anyway. New and Old Danielle don't like change... but New Danielle can handle it now when I have time to prepare and psych myself up for it. I was only 8 and would cry at the drop of a hat.
Mrs. Grantham came back down the hallway and said "Take her to Mrs. Pigott's class across the hall". The New me thinks back to that day and all I can think is Mrs Grantham must have had a really bad morning because she was nice any other time to me and all of her students seemed to love her... Something must have happened and it really had nothing to do with me... but tell that to an Old me who was already scared of change as it was.
Mrs Pigott greeted me and sat me at a desk and then she went to the principals office too... "What in the world did I do?" was all I could think. I thought she didn't want me either. I put my head down and cried my eyes out. I had no school supplies yet. I remember a couple of students patted me on the back and handed me some paper and a pencil and told me that I had to write January (the new month) and the day of the week repeatedly. I thought this was odd... because I already knew how to spell all the months, and days of the week in two languages. Oh yeah, I was a rebel. I don't remember much about the rest of Grade 3. I do remember that I liked Mrs. Pigott a great deal. She was so very nice to me. She would give me hugs, I think she could tell there were times when I needed one. Every Friday if we were good that week, she would send us home with a treat. I loved Fridays. That hasn't changed much. :o)
Oh Grade 4.... THE NIGHTMARE BEGINS I got unlucky that year. I got a teacher who just didn't seem to like me at all. She believed in Corporal punishment. She had a paddle named George she kept on the hook close to her desk. George and I made contact a couple of times. I was fortunate enough to have discovered pink slips. I had no idea what pink slips were. She would always threaten me with them and since I felt like I did nothing wrong, I did not see them as bad things. "How could anything pink be bad???" I thought. Well I soon found out, pink slips were a one-way pass to the office meaning "YOU ARE IN SHIT!" I started to hate the colour pink especially in pink forms. New me still hates pink paperwork... Go figure!
SPITBALLS I didn't have a clue what spitballs were at all. Call me naive, or whatever you like. My mouth usually got me in trouble... almost always... but I didn't use any props. I didn't have to because my mouth just didn't know when to stop... ask anyone who really knows the old and new me... it is still like that. Spitballs were being thrown (or rather spit) from behind my desk. Some landed on my desk. Whoever complained about the spitballs sure got the teacher upset. She walked down my row and I looked down and discovered that my desk had random spitballs on the desk... ewwwww. "But Mrs. I didn't do it... I don't know where they came from but not from me I even have them in my hair." I told her. Lucky me. I told her I thought they came from behind me somewhere because she thought I had thrown the spitballs. I got paddled, had to stay in for recess, and I DIDN'T DO A FREAKING THING WRONG!!!!
Some time later (weeks, maybe a month or two not sure) I saw someone using their magic markers to paint my friend Natalie's hair and she was unaware. She had the most beautiful long blonde hair and it landed on this classmates desk, therefore becoming a canvas for his artwork. I told the teacher about this right away. She curtly advised to me that for the remainder of the day that I will be wearing the "tattle tail". It was a sign made of construction paper saying "tattle tail" in bold letters and had construction paper rings (the tail) that hung all the way to my feet. It announced the entire playground that I tattled on a classmate. OK, sure I tattled... but I was tattling because another classmate was painting my friends hair with MARKERS. He was not punished. Again... GO FIGURE?!?!?!?
REPORT CARD DAY Oh this was a great day... The day my parents came to school to confront my teacher. My grades were all A's except for reading. I got a D. Yes, a D!!! I was in a twelfth grade reader, they had to find an appropriate reader for me in Grade 4 at that level. Most 12th grade material was "too mature. etc" but they found something. I remember Zimbabwe being part of the reading material. My parents asked this teacher why I got a D if I am so advanced in reading. I was reading before I entered Grade 1 and I did so in two languages French and English. Her response to my parents???? "She has a strong French accent, and she is not pronouncing the words correctly, she is doing it with an accent.". My parents were none too impressed. I already hated my teacher, she used to make me ill; horribly, physically ill. I would throw up, I would cry more than I did before and I shook... I mean I shook like a person with severe Parkinson's Disease. A washing mashing on spin cycle with a load off kilter was nothing and I mean NOTHING compared to my nerves!!!
We had a substitute principal as the principal had a heart attack and was out for a while. The teacher wrote a lovely pink slip and sent me to the office AGAIN... I can't remember why... I would just come to the principals office in tears and they would calm me down, and let me go back. I never remember the principal ever punishing me AT ALL. Mr "Foots" Hill was the fill in principal that day. He was my angel. I wish I could tell him how he saved me back then. I was crying and when I calmed down he noticed how I shook so bad I could barely compose myself. He called my mom and she came right to the school. He talked to mom and mom told him about some of the things the teacher had done to me. I remember him holding my hand and telling me I should not shake like this and I could go home for the day with my mom. I heard him tell my mom that he will walk up and down the hall more often by my class and make his presence known. That he did. I remember hearing his footsteps knowing he was there and thinking he was protecting me. Shortly after this incident teacher went on maternity leave and all I could think of is how sorry I felt for this poor innocent baby coming into the world under her protection or lack thereof, with her random idiosyncrasies that seemed to plague her at moments notice and with no good reason whatsoever. With her gone I got some peace, but the damage she caused will live with me forever. I want to let it go. But she still haunts me to this day. That teacher just wasn't right!!!!
Grade 8 or 9 (or maybe 7) this is one of those "wish I had a time stamp" thingies I was speaking about earlier. Junior high for sure ;oP My English teacher. She was a special unit. She loved her paddle too, she just did not have a name for it. She loved to throw toilet paper, erasers, and chalk at any student she felt was doing something wrong or gave a wrong answer when she felt the need. That entire class became pretty good at being able to dodge and duck on a split seconds notice (I think George Bush would have been proud... or perhaps he may have even had her as a teacher). I got paddled one day. She thought I said a swear word. I did not, but after the paddling, I wish I had. I was wearing my scoliosis brace at the time. This was a fiberglass/plastic contraption and it was molded for my body, it did not go up to my neck, but it went under my sternum) shaped like a reverse rib cage so hard to describe) with arm pit supports and went down over my tail bone and in front over my pubic bone. I had to wear huge clothes two sizes too big and she KNEW I was wearing a brace... It was not comfortable. It was not fun and it sure was NOT INVISIBLE! When I got three strikes with the paddle, the paddle pushed the piece beneath the sternum under the rib cage and up and under the sternum. When you get paddled you have to bend over and touch your knees. I did not have this flexibility so she had me brace the wall and bend how I could, so she was well aware of me and my brace. I was in a lot of pain. I wound up hospitalized for pneumonia. I REFUSED to ever wear this contraption again... and boy were my parents mad... they spent all this money on this thing and an entire wardrobe.... and I only told mom and dad what she did to me when I was in my 30's. I thought if I had told mom and dad back then I would be in trouble at home too. Mom said she wished she would have known because she would have sued the school for abuse. I wish I would have known she felt that way. I wish I felt that I could have told her that back then. I wish I wish I wish.... Oh well. It is in the past.
Well this is it for this chapter. I have a couple other psycho teachers. I take heart knowing that with so many of these 'psycho' teachers, other students were also involved. This way it didn't feel personal. It is one thing when everyone is treated equally bad. It is another when one is being singled out.
My next chapter will deal with classmates, the good, the bad and the hurtful!!!
Friday, November 5, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
My Name is Danielle, This is who I am
Most people do the I am a mother, daughter, sister, etc; thing. I am so much more. While I am proud of who I am by those definitions, I have others that truly break down what really defines who I am and how I came to be.
I have two chapters in my life. One is from birth to age 18 and 11/12ths (one month shy of my 19th birthday) and then there is the one from 18 and 11/12ths (that remainder of time just before my 19th birthday) to present day and onward to the future. I will refer to them simply as old me and new me... there is a distinction between the two. Some of my friends only knew me as the 'new' me but I have told them stories of the old me. Other friends and family knew me as both but some family cannot distinguish between the old me and the new me. The still see the little girl who talked entirely too much. Acted inappropriately at times and was very nervous. Not much has changed. I still talk a lot, but I try and keep it to a minimum. If I act inappropriately, I do so consciously and usually with good will and humour intended. I am still very nervous but the new me suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to abuses I suffered at the hands of a very mentally ill individual when I was the old me. I will regale the readers with details of this later.
I have decided to write about who I am, because of some emails I have received from family. One cousin and one sibling in particular. I am keeping names out of this, but if they were to stumble upon this blog, they would know and recognize themselves in this as they know what they said and did to me.
As the old me and being the youngest of four children, I always felt I was being raised by 5 parents; my parents and three siblings. Like all kids I told little lies, I did things to bug the older ones, and I definitely got on peoples nerves. I recognize this as an adult and I now own up to everything I may have done wrong as a child. The past is the past. I am sure they did things wrong in the past too. The problem is that for some reason these two people have never let me 'grow' up. They continually call me a liar via emails, despite me fighting and PROVING that I have not lied during recent events OVER AND OVER but all they could say was that I was a liar from childhood... they would not realize that child grew up. That child was no longer telling tales. I was no longer crying wolf and had not in over 25+ years!!!
I was accused of doing things I am unable to do because I do not have the capabilities to do so. I have been accused of hacking into other peoples computers. I know electronics, sure... but I KNOW DESIGN, CIRCUIT BOARD ETCHING, BUILDING AND TROUBLESHOOTING OF HARDWARE ISSUES. Cracking of software is not my forte...but I thank them for giving me the credit for this illegal activity... this is the first time they acknowledged my intelligence whatsoever, even though I cannot do this. It was almost humourous if not so pathetic and insulting.
I have an IQ of 163. I get treated like an idiot all the time. I get talked down to because I require clarification, or perhaps the person to whom I am speaking has been unclear and there could be two ways to interpret their comments/statements. Some people might say "she is blonde, or a little shy on the uptake, a little slow to catch on..." but give me a math equation, a working circuit board or a faulty circuit board or even a poor running car... and we will see where Danielle shines!!! God bless my husband for he understands my mind and how I need clarity to better understand what is being said.
A great example of how my mind works: I slept through my physics class in college and still scored second highest in my class. Bless my professor who knew that my son (who was only 3 years old at the time) was very, very sick and I was up all the time with him when he was ill which seemed to be all the time. He knew my marks were good, and he let me sleep, often commenting how I only snored a few times through class that day (and he often included a laugh, he was very kind to me). These are some of the people who have the patience with new me, there are so many more and I will get to them as time and this post moves forward. Some of these people are my sanity. They are my loves, my strength. Not romantically. I love them as family, they could see in me so much more than a pain... they saw what lied beneath, capability. I have filled the voids that I lost with the people who should have stayed with me... with the people who did stay in my life (friends), or those who came back into my life just at the time when I needed someone the most. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe this. Everyone is in your life for a reason and this I also believe. Life is too short to live my life with people who make life miserable.
I'm a fighter. I fought for my life a few times. Once I was shot at, and the loser missed, second time I had a knife held to my throat. I was being forced to change brakes and flex hoses as I was accused by my ex that I had cut the brake lines. This made no sense as I was the last one who drove the car, and had no brakes when driving it... but oh well he was nuts and I know that now!!! I was 5 months pregnant with my son. I managed to escape. That was the night I got put into a safe house and plans were put in the works to send me back to Canada (from the US) to my parents where I would be safe. That was the death of 'old' me when I boarded that plane, never to return...all memories in tact, nightmares to remain to this day, but a 'new' me was born, a stronger me. One who vowed to NEVER starve again, one who will never be struck by a man, one who will never EVER be made be feel inferior and I WILL FIGHT for years (up to and including the present) to enforce the latter.
I don't just fight for myself. I fight for all those I see being wronged. It could be a cashier at a store checkout being yelled at by a customer who is, well, flat out wrong and I know the customer is wrong because I witnessed it. It could be my parents who were wronged by a crooked auto repair shop who was falsifying car problems to maximize their profits. It could be a child being bullied by other children, not just my kids but other parents would not want their children bullied I am sure. I fight... but I don't fight from an office. I don't fight on TV. I stand up for what I believe is right at the time that I see it. I don't wait to address it. Too many times people have "turned the other way" when they saw me being wronged.
I have so many stories, from nursing school where our group of eight witnessed our nursing teacher say horrible things to me and belittle and insult me over and over again. They were so scared of her and told me repeatedly they "wanted" to say something but were concerned about their futures in the school. That same teacher had said to me "Can't you lose weight, your legs make you look like you have a health problem and no one wants a nurse who has a health problem to take care of them" This was in 1992. I was diagnosed with Lymphedema earlier this year (2010).... I have had HUGE legs for years... and was always a target for insults and ridicule!!!! I did have a health problem, but it was nothing that would hinder my providing care to patients. I fought and went to the administration/student counselor of the nursing school. Their response "This teacher is one of my friends, she would never do this to anyone" I knew I lost that fight. I lost this fight because I fought alone. No one would stand up with me. Seven other nursing students all saw what was being done to me, but none could come forward for fear of their futures and retribution from the school. I HAD TO STAND AND FIGHT ALONE!!! But that was a great example of "Everything happens for a reason". I will refer to this little quote often.
I came to the conclusion that perhaps nursing wasn't for me. I always wanted to be a doctor, but always knew with a young child at home AND being a single parent all this time for schooling was probably going to be a no-go anyway. I will continue to study the practice of medicine. The dream may be gone, the desire will forever remain. Being a nurse for me is like being Miss Congeniality in the Miss Universe pageant. It wasn't what you really wanted, and you will forever want what you failed to obtain. I myself am not willing nor was I willing to settle. I wanted so bad to be a doctor. To settle taking orders from doctors, just wasn't in my heart. I knew deep down I would forever feel that loss deep in my heart.
Electronics Engineering Technologist. This was a good fit for me. I was able to diagnose, treat and repair (just like a doctor) and even design. Only the patients were not sentient. I didn't know ANYTHING about Electronics when I entered the course... not a clue... everyone else... seemed to know everything... I didn't even know the purpose of a basic resistor. Or Ohm or anything like that... how stupid does that sound... ridiculous if you know this.. if you don't it is OK... don't feel bad... I didn't either.
By the end of the first term, I went from not knowing anything to being top in my class. I managed to piss everyone off because they were all so sure I was cheating. Then they decided I was being "pushed" through because I was female. It was not because I had an uncanny ability to see circuits in my head, it had nothing to do with being able to memorize countless theorems and equations without a cheat sheet. It had nothing to do with me understanding all the Laws of Physics without any difficulties whatsoever. It was because I had a vagina and two boobs. Damn... All this power and I didn't know it before I entered term 1 of this course.
Large Marge the Human Barge That was my name in electronics. They called me that because they never took the time to realize my name was DANIELLE. Margaret was another girl in class who did not make it through first term (yet she was female too... HUH!)They thought she was Danielle cause she was skinny and pretty. I looked more like a Marge...Large Marge the Human Barge... yeah I was fat.
Unisys GSG and the Canadian Patrol Frigate Program What a job.... Did you people know that I only got this job because I was a female... it was not because I was on the Dean's list, and the Presidents List? It was not because I had top marks in my class and aced all the prerequisite job testing. It was because of my vagina and boobs again. Man, am I ever glad I had them added before I got into that course. By then I was the only female in the class. I was without a lab partner and was working solo. The boys must not have wanted to catch girl cooties... but oh dear if their labs didn't work... guess who got brought a nice hot coffee and a cinnamon roll from the cafeteria... ME, that's right.. Large Marge the HUMAN BARGE!!! Stupidly, because I wanted to make friends I would help, only to be ignored once they got what they wanted: A passing lab score. When I went to the Department head to complain. He suggested it was because I was female and more sensitive and he also knew I was pregnant with my daughter at the time, which did not make things any better for my cause either. Sexist bastard that he was. I was the only female in class. No man would come forward to say about another male was treating me this way... are you kidding me??? The Professors knew I did not have a lab partner... a class of 13. They did not want a lab with more than two people in a team... nice way to make a person more isolated in an odd numbered class. I STOOD ALONE!
Unisys was not the only job offer extended to me... NB Power also extended a job offer to me... that was a real source of contention amongst my classmates. I was the only one to get two job offers. A few students had NO JOB offers at all... I chose Unisys over NB power because how many people can claim they had their hands in building a Navy ship??? It was one of the highlights of my life and some the best memories I ever had. I worked with Navigation and Underwater Combat Control Systems... I got to work with awesome toys like the SONAR and Doppler Speed Log, TACAN, INS, Torpedo, NIXIE, Sonobuoy Processing System, Horizon Bar Systems, Card Repeaters and so much more. What an experience!
I am going to close this portion of "Who I am" as this gives a little bit of what was me, in the past and present, although mostly past. I figure those of you who have memories of the old Danielle may be surprised to learn of the things I have seen, done and unfortunately, in some cases, had to live through.
I still stand alone. I still fight alone. When I go and I need someone with me... there is often a body close by... but the presence of someone who 'fights' with me is not there. I fight alone. I am in pain alone. No one will bear witness to the agony I have suffered although they have witnessed it themselves. Everyone looks out for themselves anymore. I have faced so much alone.. I never want anyone to be alone... so I will "fight with them". Where is everyone when I need someone to fight with or for me??? If you ever see something wrong... SPEAK UP... you may be doing someone a favour that they do desperately need and you could really make a difference in their lives. One you could not possibly imagine.
I have two chapters in my life. One is from birth to age 18 and 11/12ths (one month shy of my 19th birthday) and then there is the one from 18 and 11/12ths (that remainder of time just before my 19th birthday) to present day and onward to the future. I will refer to them simply as old me and new me... there is a distinction between the two. Some of my friends only knew me as the 'new' me but I have told them stories of the old me. Other friends and family knew me as both but some family cannot distinguish between the old me and the new me. The still see the little girl who talked entirely too much. Acted inappropriately at times and was very nervous. Not much has changed. I still talk a lot, but I try and keep it to a minimum. If I act inappropriately, I do so consciously and usually with good will and humour intended. I am still very nervous but the new me suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to abuses I suffered at the hands of a very mentally ill individual when I was the old me. I will regale the readers with details of this later.
I have decided to write about who I am, because of some emails I have received from family. One cousin and one sibling in particular. I am keeping names out of this, but if they were to stumble upon this blog, they would know and recognize themselves in this as they know what they said and did to me.
As the old me and being the youngest of four children, I always felt I was being raised by 5 parents; my parents and three siblings. Like all kids I told little lies, I did things to bug the older ones, and I definitely got on peoples nerves. I recognize this as an adult and I now own up to everything I may have done wrong as a child. The past is the past. I am sure they did things wrong in the past too. The problem is that for some reason these two people have never let me 'grow' up. They continually call me a liar via emails, despite me fighting and PROVING that I have not lied during recent events OVER AND OVER but all they could say was that I was a liar from childhood... they would not realize that child grew up. That child was no longer telling tales. I was no longer crying wolf and had not in over 25+ years!!!
I was accused of doing things I am unable to do because I do not have the capabilities to do so. I have been accused of hacking into other peoples computers. I know electronics, sure... but I KNOW DESIGN, CIRCUIT BOARD ETCHING, BUILDING AND TROUBLESHOOTING OF HARDWARE ISSUES. Cracking of software is not my forte...but I thank them for giving me the credit for this illegal activity... this is the first time they acknowledged my intelligence whatsoever, even though I cannot do this. It was almost humourous if not so pathetic and insulting.
I have an IQ of 163. I get treated like an idiot all the time. I get talked down to because I require clarification, or perhaps the person to whom I am speaking has been unclear and there could be two ways to interpret their comments/statements. Some people might say "she is blonde, or a little shy on the uptake, a little slow to catch on..." but give me a math equation, a working circuit board or a faulty circuit board or even a poor running car... and we will see where Danielle shines!!! God bless my husband for he understands my mind and how I need clarity to better understand what is being said.
A great example of how my mind works: I slept through my physics class in college and still scored second highest in my class. Bless my professor who knew that my son (who was only 3 years old at the time) was very, very sick and I was up all the time with him when he was ill which seemed to be all the time. He knew my marks were good, and he let me sleep, often commenting how I only snored a few times through class that day (and he often included a laugh, he was very kind to me). These are some of the people who have the patience with new me, there are so many more and I will get to them as time and this post moves forward. Some of these people are my sanity. They are my loves, my strength. Not romantically. I love them as family, they could see in me so much more than a pain... they saw what lied beneath, capability. I have filled the voids that I lost with the people who should have stayed with me... with the people who did stay in my life (friends), or those who came back into my life just at the time when I needed someone the most. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe this. Everyone is in your life for a reason and this I also believe. Life is too short to live my life with people who make life miserable.
I'm a fighter. I fought for my life a few times. Once I was shot at, and the loser missed, second time I had a knife held to my throat. I was being forced to change brakes and flex hoses as I was accused by my ex that I had cut the brake lines. This made no sense as I was the last one who drove the car, and had no brakes when driving it... but oh well he was nuts and I know that now!!! I was 5 months pregnant with my son. I managed to escape. That was the night I got put into a safe house and plans were put in the works to send me back to Canada (from the US) to my parents where I would be safe. That was the death of 'old' me when I boarded that plane, never to return...all memories in tact, nightmares to remain to this day, but a 'new' me was born, a stronger me. One who vowed to NEVER starve again, one who will never be struck by a man, one who will never EVER be made be feel inferior and I WILL FIGHT for years (up to and including the present) to enforce the latter.
I don't just fight for myself. I fight for all those I see being wronged. It could be a cashier at a store checkout being yelled at by a customer who is, well, flat out wrong and I know the customer is wrong because I witnessed it. It could be my parents who were wronged by a crooked auto repair shop who was falsifying car problems to maximize their profits. It could be a child being bullied by other children, not just my kids but other parents would not want their children bullied I am sure. I fight... but I don't fight from an office. I don't fight on TV. I stand up for what I believe is right at the time that I see it. I don't wait to address it. Too many times people have "turned the other way" when they saw me being wronged.
I have so many stories, from nursing school where our group of eight witnessed our nursing teacher say horrible things to me and belittle and insult me over and over again. They were so scared of her and told me repeatedly they "wanted" to say something but were concerned about their futures in the school. That same teacher had said to me "Can't you lose weight, your legs make you look like you have a health problem and no one wants a nurse who has a health problem to take care of them" This was in 1992. I was diagnosed with Lymphedema earlier this year (2010).... I have had HUGE legs for years... and was always a target for insults and ridicule!!!! I did have a health problem, but it was nothing that would hinder my providing care to patients. I fought and went to the administration/student counselor of the nursing school. Their response "This teacher is one of my friends, she would never do this to anyone" I knew I lost that fight. I lost this fight because I fought alone. No one would stand up with me. Seven other nursing students all saw what was being done to me, but none could come forward for fear of their futures and retribution from the school. I HAD TO STAND AND FIGHT ALONE!!! But that was a great example of "Everything happens for a reason". I will refer to this little quote often.
I came to the conclusion that perhaps nursing wasn't for me. I always wanted to be a doctor, but always knew with a young child at home AND being a single parent all this time for schooling was probably going to be a no-go anyway. I will continue to study the practice of medicine. The dream may be gone, the desire will forever remain. Being a nurse for me is like being Miss Congeniality in the Miss Universe pageant. It wasn't what you really wanted, and you will forever want what you failed to obtain. I myself am not willing nor was I willing to settle. I wanted so bad to be a doctor. To settle taking orders from doctors, just wasn't in my heart. I knew deep down I would forever feel that loss deep in my heart.
Electronics Engineering Technologist. This was a good fit for me. I was able to diagnose, treat and repair (just like a doctor) and even design. Only the patients were not sentient. I didn't know ANYTHING about Electronics when I entered the course... not a clue... everyone else... seemed to know everything... I didn't even know the purpose of a basic resistor. Or Ohm or anything like that... how stupid does that sound... ridiculous if you know this.. if you don't it is OK... don't feel bad... I didn't either.
By the end of the first term, I went from not knowing anything to being top in my class. I managed to piss everyone off because they were all so sure I was cheating. Then they decided I was being "pushed" through because I was female. It was not because I had an uncanny ability to see circuits in my head, it had nothing to do with being able to memorize countless theorems and equations without a cheat sheet. It had nothing to do with me understanding all the Laws of Physics without any difficulties whatsoever. It was because I had a vagina and two boobs. Damn... All this power and I didn't know it before I entered term 1 of this course.
Large Marge the Human Barge That was my name in electronics. They called me that because they never took the time to realize my name was DANIELLE. Margaret was another girl in class who did not make it through first term (yet she was female too... HUH!)They thought she was Danielle cause she was skinny and pretty. I looked more like a Marge...Large Marge the Human Barge... yeah I was fat.
Unisys GSG and the Canadian Patrol Frigate Program What a job.... Did you people know that I only got this job because I was a female... it was not because I was on the Dean's list, and the Presidents List? It was not because I had top marks in my class and aced all the prerequisite job testing. It was because of my vagina and boobs again. Man, am I ever glad I had them added before I got into that course. By then I was the only female in the class. I was without a lab partner and was working solo. The boys must not have wanted to catch girl cooties... but oh dear if their labs didn't work... guess who got brought a nice hot coffee and a cinnamon roll from the cafeteria... ME, that's right.. Large Marge the HUMAN BARGE!!! Stupidly, because I wanted to make friends I would help, only to be ignored once they got what they wanted: A passing lab score. When I went to the Department head to complain. He suggested it was because I was female and more sensitive and he also knew I was pregnant with my daughter at the time, which did not make things any better for my cause either. Sexist bastard that he was. I was the only female in class. No man would come forward to say about another male was treating me this way... are you kidding me??? The Professors knew I did not have a lab partner... a class of 13. They did not want a lab with more than two people in a team... nice way to make a person more isolated in an odd numbered class. I STOOD ALONE!
Unisys was not the only job offer extended to me... NB Power also extended a job offer to me... that was a real source of contention amongst my classmates. I was the only one to get two job offers. A few students had NO JOB offers at all... I chose Unisys over NB power because how many people can claim they had their hands in building a Navy ship??? It was one of the highlights of my life and some the best memories I ever had. I worked with Navigation and Underwater Combat Control Systems... I got to work with awesome toys like the SONAR and Doppler Speed Log, TACAN, INS, Torpedo, NIXIE, Sonobuoy Processing System, Horizon Bar Systems, Card Repeaters and so much more. What an experience!
I am going to close this portion of "Who I am" as this gives a little bit of what was me, in the past and present, although mostly past. I figure those of you who have memories of the old Danielle may be surprised to learn of the things I have seen, done and unfortunately, in some cases, had to live through.
I still stand alone. I still fight alone. When I go and I need someone with me... there is often a body close by... but the presence of someone who 'fights' with me is not there. I fight alone. I am in pain alone. No one will bear witness to the agony I have suffered although they have witnessed it themselves. Everyone looks out for themselves anymore. I have faced so much alone.. I never want anyone to be alone... so I will "fight with them". Where is everyone when I need someone to fight with or for me??? If you ever see something wrong... SPEAK UP... you may be doing someone a favour that they do desperately need and you could really make a difference in their lives. One you could not possibly imagine.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Amazing results
Hi! I haven't posted in a while, I was really too busy enjoying being able to move without a cane, ordering my new roller skates...YES, me, roller skates!!! No more cane, increased mobility = An overjoyed Danielle!!! Nothing short of a miracle can describe the reduction of pain in my legs, I still get the odd pain shooting down the legs, but that can be attributed to my back more so than the Lymphedema. I have gotten my permanent wraps. They are not the support stockings they initially thought. Since my feet are 'normal sized' they decided to order me some Ready Wraps by Solaris (About lymphedema: http://www.solarismed.com/lymphedema.php about Ready Wraps: http://solarismed.com/store/cart.php?m=product_detail&p=84). They work well, I recommend them highly for convenience sake, comfort and less bulk. I still wrap my legs when I plan on exercising more as the ready wraps do have a tendency to slide down my legs and then I need to sit, un-velcro them and reposition then and re-attach them. Doesn't take long, but can stop the momentum of the exercise.
In the first two weeks of compression therapy I lost 4 inches off of each mid calf. YIPES...that is good. Within a few days, I was more mobile. I have not measured my legs since, but I do know they have gotten softer...as in not tight, no more pitting edema, and get this...you will all be grossed out and I don't care...for the first time almost ever...I have leg hair. Due to the poor circulation, I have not had leg hair...I used to get very little...and I bragged about it (I bragged about NOT having it)...not knowing that this was not the best thing for me, after all, be careful what you wish for and all that jazz LOL. Anyway...so now I have leg hair...perhaps too much...I am thinking the PCOS is the result of giving me excess body hair. I can grow a better mustache than my husband...but I digress. I am happy to see the leg hair, this means a return of circulation, not only are my legs smaller but now I look like an ape...and I couldn't be happier. Go figure...it is amazing what you can appreciate once you have a chance to see things again with open eyes.
So about the roller skating. I have not been roller skating since I was 15... I can move now. I tell everyone about my miracle. Some people have said to me you can't really believe that is a miracle. Those were the same people who mocked me and refused to believe or understand my almost constant suffering. Yes...it is a miracle. I believe this came to me at the time in my life I needed something the most. Much like the timing of my children, it too was a Godsend. I am not overly religious, but let me tell you, as I stated in previous posts, I thought I was not going to live much longer at the rate my body was feeling. Not to dwell on that, but I need to remember how I felt then, to appreciate how I feel now. I needed intervention, and I believe I had to go through this in order to be able to really appreciate my life and good health. So here I went again...on another tangent. I decided I wanted to recapture time lost. I wanted to experience what was lost so many years ago. I look at the world with a whole new light and understanding now. I am free from my bondage. What an AMAZING FEELING!! To me freedom is synonymous with skating; free, wind in my hair, being able to appreciate the ability to move. Well, it sounds good on paper...or blog, but when I got my beautiful skates something happened, I could stand on them, but it was like being in the most slippery ice. I fell on my ass...and bit my lip!!! My balance sucks...but I am no quitter...NO NO...I called the company and told them I needed training wheels and was there anything I could do to slow these things down...there was...tightening the wheels little by little until I could find a speed where I can get my skate legs back. Marshall got right to work tightening up the wheels for me. Just wearing the skates for 5 minutes, I can feel and appreciate muscles that have long since been forgotten. I break into a full sweat in this same 5 minutes...and my heart is pumping...what an exhilarating feeling. Slow and steady wins the race. I have time now to perfect my skating skills...I have my life back. I have the rest of my long life to re-learn to skate... I WILL FEEL THAT WIND BLOWING THROUGH MY HAIR, I WILL!!!
Life is good. Too much time was wasted on things I could not control, I missed walking, I missed being pain free as much as a person with Fibromyalgia, herniated discs, and a chronic migraine sufferer can claim to be. That sentence was not grammatically correct and usually I am so anal about these things...screw it...too much time wasted on nonsense...ON TO LIVING!!!
In the first two weeks of compression therapy I lost 4 inches off of each mid calf. YIPES...that is good. Within a few days, I was more mobile. I have not measured my legs since, but I do know they have gotten softer...as in not tight, no more pitting edema, and get this...you will all be grossed out and I don't care...for the first time almost ever...I have leg hair. Due to the poor circulation, I have not had leg hair...I used to get very little...and I bragged about it (I bragged about NOT having it)...not knowing that this was not the best thing for me, after all, be careful what you wish for and all that jazz LOL. Anyway...so now I have leg hair...perhaps too much...I am thinking the PCOS is the result of giving me excess body hair. I can grow a better mustache than my husband...but I digress. I am happy to see the leg hair, this means a return of circulation, not only are my legs smaller but now I look like an ape...and I couldn't be happier. Go figure...it is amazing what you can appreciate once you have a chance to see things again with open eyes.
So about the roller skating. I have not been roller skating since I was 15... I can move now. I tell everyone about my miracle. Some people have said to me you can't really believe that is a miracle. Those were the same people who mocked me and refused to believe or understand my almost constant suffering. Yes...it is a miracle. I believe this came to me at the time in my life I needed something the most. Much like the timing of my children, it too was a Godsend. I am not overly religious, but let me tell you, as I stated in previous posts, I thought I was not going to live much longer at the rate my body was feeling. Not to dwell on that, but I need to remember how I felt then, to appreciate how I feel now. I needed intervention, and I believe I had to go through this in order to be able to really appreciate my life and good health. So here I went again...on another tangent. I decided I wanted to recapture time lost. I wanted to experience what was lost so many years ago. I look at the world with a whole new light and understanding now. I am free from my bondage. What an AMAZING FEELING!! To me freedom is synonymous with skating; free, wind in my hair, being able to appreciate the ability to move. Well, it sounds good on paper...or blog, but when I got my beautiful skates something happened, I could stand on them, but it was like being in the most slippery ice. I fell on my ass...and bit my lip!!! My balance sucks...but I am no quitter...NO NO...I called the company and told them I needed training wheels and was there anything I could do to slow these things down...there was...tightening the wheels little by little until I could find a speed where I can get my skate legs back. Marshall got right to work tightening up the wheels for me. Just wearing the skates for 5 minutes, I can feel and appreciate muscles that have long since been forgotten. I break into a full sweat in this same 5 minutes...and my heart is pumping...what an exhilarating feeling. Slow and steady wins the race. I have time now to perfect my skating skills...I have my life back. I have the rest of my long life to re-learn to skate... I WILL FEEL THAT WIND BLOWING THROUGH MY HAIR, I WILL!!!
Life is good. Too much time was wasted on things I could not control, I missed walking, I missed being pain free as much as a person with Fibromyalgia, herniated discs, and a chronic migraine sufferer can claim to be. That sentence was not grammatically correct and usually I am so anal about these things...screw it...too much time wasted on nonsense...ON TO LIVING!!!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Started Feb 5th
Yes...it started I did not write to announce this date...just in case it got cancelled today. I was diagnosed with Lipedema and Lymphedema. I will give just a brief explanation of each. Lipedema is an abnormal pooling of subcutaneous fat in the areas below the waist to the feet. Not all Lipedema sufferers are created equal. Lipedema is hereditary and and it follows the females down a family line. I was blessed to have this all the way from my hips to my ankles. My mother has a similar shape to mine in the rear and stomach below the waist and thigh, only she does not have the calf issues, mine are huge.
I was measured that very first day, my ankle...yes, my ankle was 38cm in circumference. It goes up from there, She has all the measurements all the way up to my knees. Just below my knee the circumference was 72 cm. DAMN...no wonder I was in so much pain. That brings me to another point. Lipedema has been coined the term "Painful Fat disease/disorder" NICE, let me tell you it is appropriate as I hurt so bad some days I was brought to tears. I suffered alone, I could tell anyone who listened that I was in pain, but I know no one knew...really knew how painful this all was for me. Couple the leg pain with the back pain and Fibromyalgia and my life became nothing short of a living hell.
I could barely walk Feb 5th. When I did it felt like a struggle and if I needed to put my shoes on...I either had to slip them on or I had to pull my leg up as close as I could because my back would not let me bend over. My legs were heavy to lift, but it needed to be done, I was so physically exhausted all the time. The list of my complaints were long...so very long, and I was as tired of talking about them as I was living with them, I can only imagine what my loved ones had to do to listen to all the complaints without wanting to snap me in half. Luckily I have great kids and the most amazing husband. He is more than supportive. He has been doing most of the cooking (when I actually feel like eating, the pain has a tendency to be an appetite killer) Oh yeah and that brings me to all the medical professionals that told me I must be lying cause I was gaining weight...well DUH it was a ton of fluid in my freaking LEGS!!!! Let's not forget to mention limited mobility made exercise damn near impossible, no matter how willing my mind was.
I want to explain as much of how I felt that day so I can share my experiences with those who don't have it, and to also be able to help those who are trying to do some research on their own like I did. If you think you have this...Don't stop asking for help. Keep researching. You will be glad you did!!! I talked via email with a couple of people I found online with Lipedema and Lymphedema. They echoed the pain and frustration with trying to get help and wished me luck. They inspired me. I was impressed with their results. They all had the same long stories, refusal after refusal for help, advising to lose weight and accusations of cheating on diets they were being faithful to. Doctors saying there is 'Nothing further that can be done'...TO THIS I SAY BULLSHIT!!!
Most physicians don't understand it. Let's face it...there is so much to a human body and this rare condition gets overlooked quite easily. Most times physicians think that this is just your normal body shape...I have known for years I did not look normal...far from it, I was stared at, had so many comments made about my appearance. I was even in nursing school and I remember an RN teacher actually asked me "You could lose some weight, because you look like you have a health problem, and no patients wants to be attended by a nurse who looks ill" She was referring to my legs as school uniforms were the nurses dresses, we were not allowed to wear pants. That was one of the last times I wore that uniform, I left shortly thereafter realizing, if she was a nurse and a health care professional, I wanted NO PART of her world. I wanted to be a doctor, truthfully anyway, and being a nurse is NOTHING like being a doctor, but I digress.
I rarely wore dresses after that and back then, my legs were a lot smaller, this was before I had my second child so we are talking about 18 years ago now. It was the insults and constant comments on my size and weight, let alone the every so helpful comments of "You know you would feel better and get smaller if you just tried to lose weight" I HAVE BEEN TRYING, because I got no results they decided I was not trying hard enough.
OK! Enough with my tangent tirade here Back to Lipedema: This type of fat cannot be dieted off, nor can it be exercised off. That being said, I do take ownership of my weight issues as I am not skinny on the top half of my body either. I do believe this fluid accumulation had an effect on my metabolism and most definitely my activity level. Everything was compounding on me. My moods were becoming effected as well. I was slowly being convinced I would not live much longer feeling like I was. I was scared, but I kinda slowly started reminding my husband about my wishes 'should' I pass away. I also let him know about what insurances I have and what I want done with regards to funeral. In my case. I wanted no funeral, just a quick visitation by those I love the most in this world. Those who stood by me and NEVER ONCE made me feeling bad for who I was. They are Marshall, Christian and Breanna and Devin my new Daughter-in-law of course. Beyond that I wanted no visitation, no funeral, just cremation, no casket, I wanted it done as cheaply as possible so my family will have something to look after them once I am gone. But I have a feeling that won't be needed anytime soon...Thank God!!!! So now...on to the good stuff!!!!
I was wrapped on Feb 5th at 2:30, almost immediately I could feel the counter-pressure and it felt good...imagine that pressure on one of my sorest areas and it really felt good. She told me I needed to walk-walk-walk and it would help. At first I was scared because I knew I could barely walk anymore. I was wondering how I could make this happen. Then by Friday evening, the wrapping and my body let me know it is working and I would be able to walk. No, I am not hearing voices!!! The dressing was falling off my legs, and I could see why...they started shrinking! I could see some definition in the legs, I called Marshall and Breanna in to see and they could both tell the difference as well, so it was not just my imagination. I needed to be re-wrapped and since Andrea showed Marshall how to do it and let him show her that he could, he was able to get the dressings back on and tighter. That evening we went grocery shopping. It was payday and therefore grocery day. I like grocery shopping. and I was walking in the store and the pain was not there...not like it was before. I still had some minor hip pain...but not to the extent it was.
Saturday is chore day at home...I was moving more freely, doing the dishwasher duty, laundry and I was feeling overall better. Sunday came and I told Marshall I wanted to walk and where. He dropped me off in town at Harbour Passage, walking path along the port of the city.I asked him to meet me at the end, but thankfully he was not listening to me and met me halfway. My hip was really hurting, but get this, it was cold, and snowing (light snow) I had no gloves and no hat...but I was sweating...yup...I haven't broken into a sweat in years. Monday, I asked him to pick me up at a different location and that also gave me about a 15 minute walk, only it was windy, cold and I was in a sweat. Today is Wednesday Feb 10th, I am going to walk after work and get him to pick me up somewhere down the passage. I am going to strive to get further and do more walking today.
I know I jumped ahead a little but my next post will be about the appointment I had with Andrea Tuesday, Feb 9th. I have some wonderful things to share, including pictures and video. :o)
I was measured that very first day, my ankle...yes, my ankle was 38cm in circumference. It goes up from there, She has all the measurements all the way up to my knees. Just below my knee the circumference was 72 cm. DAMN...no wonder I was in so much pain. That brings me to another point. Lipedema has been coined the term "Painful Fat disease/disorder" NICE, let me tell you it is appropriate as I hurt so bad some days I was brought to tears. I suffered alone, I could tell anyone who listened that I was in pain, but I know no one knew...really knew how painful this all was for me. Couple the leg pain with the back pain and Fibromyalgia and my life became nothing short of a living hell.
I could barely walk Feb 5th. When I did it felt like a struggle and if I needed to put my shoes on...I either had to slip them on or I had to pull my leg up as close as I could because my back would not let me bend over. My legs were heavy to lift, but it needed to be done, I was so physically exhausted all the time. The list of my complaints were long...so very long, and I was as tired of talking about them as I was living with them, I can only imagine what my loved ones had to do to listen to all the complaints without wanting to snap me in half. Luckily I have great kids and the most amazing husband. He is more than supportive. He has been doing most of the cooking (when I actually feel like eating, the pain has a tendency to be an appetite killer) Oh yeah and that brings me to all the medical professionals that told me I must be lying cause I was gaining weight...well DUH it was a ton of fluid in my freaking LEGS!!!! Let's not forget to mention limited mobility made exercise damn near impossible, no matter how willing my mind was.
I want to explain as much of how I felt that day so I can share my experiences with those who don't have it, and to also be able to help those who are trying to do some research on their own like I did. If you think you have this...Don't stop asking for help. Keep researching. You will be glad you did!!! I talked via email with a couple of people I found online with Lipedema and Lymphedema. They echoed the pain and frustration with trying to get help and wished me luck. They inspired me. I was impressed with their results. They all had the same long stories, refusal after refusal for help, advising to lose weight and accusations of cheating on diets they were being faithful to. Doctors saying there is 'Nothing further that can be done'...TO THIS I SAY BULLSHIT!!!
Most physicians don't understand it. Let's face it...there is so much to a human body and this rare condition gets overlooked quite easily. Most times physicians think that this is just your normal body shape...I have known for years I did not look normal...far from it, I was stared at, had so many comments made about my appearance. I was even in nursing school and I remember an RN teacher actually asked me "You could lose some weight, because you look like you have a health problem, and no patients wants to be attended by a nurse who looks ill" She was referring to my legs as school uniforms were the nurses dresses, we were not allowed to wear pants. That was one of the last times I wore that uniform, I left shortly thereafter realizing, if she was a nurse and a health care professional, I wanted NO PART of her world. I wanted to be a doctor, truthfully anyway, and being a nurse is NOTHING like being a doctor, but I digress.
I rarely wore dresses after that and back then, my legs were a lot smaller, this was before I had my second child so we are talking about 18 years ago now. It was the insults and constant comments on my size and weight, let alone the every so helpful comments of "You know you would feel better and get smaller if you just tried to lose weight" I HAVE BEEN TRYING, because I got no results they decided I was not trying hard enough.
OK! Enough with my tangent tirade here Back to Lipedema: This type of fat cannot be dieted off, nor can it be exercised off. That being said, I do take ownership of my weight issues as I am not skinny on the top half of my body either. I do believe this fluid accumulation had an effect on my metabolism and most definitely my activity level. Everything was compounding on me. My moods were becoming effected as well. I was slowly being convinced I would not live much longer feeling like I was. I was scared, but I kinda slowly started reminding my husband about my wishes 'should' I pass away. I also let him know about what insurances I have and what I want done with regards to funeral. In my case. I wanted no funeral, just a quick visitation by those I love the most in this world. Those who stood by me and NEVER ONCE made me feeling bad for who I was. They are Marshall, Christian and Breanna and Devin my new Daughter-in-law of course. Beyond that I wanted no visitation, no funeral, just cremation, no casket, I wanted it done as cheaply as possible so my family will have something to look after them once I am gone. But I have a feeling that won't be needed anytime soon...Thank God!!!! So now...on to the good stuff!!!!
I was wrapped on Feb 5th at 2:30, almost immediately I could feel the counter-pressure and it felt good...imagine that pressure on one of my sorest areas and it really felt good. She told me I needed to walk-walk-walk and it would help. At first I was scared because I knew I could barely walk anymore. I was wondering how I could make this happen. Then by Friday evening, the wrapping and my body let me know it is working and I would be able to walk. No, I am not hearing voices!!! The dressing was falling off my legs, and I could see why...they started shrinking! I could see some definition in the legs, I called Marshall and Breanna in to see and they could both tell the difference as well, so it was not just my imagination. I needed to be re-wrapped and since Andrea showed Marshall how to do it and let him show her that he could, he was able to get the dressings back on and tighter. That evening we went grocery shopping. It was payday and therefore grocery day. I like grocery shopping. and I was walking in the store and the pain was not there...not like it was before. I still had some minor hip pain...but not to the extent it was.
Saturday is chore day at home...I was moving more freely, doing the dishwasher duty, laundry and I was feeling overall better. Sunday came and I told Marshall I wanted to walk and where. He dropped me off in town at Harbour Passage, walking path along the port of the city.I asked him to meet me at the end, but thankfully he was not listening to me and met me halfway. My hip was really hurting, but get this, it was cold, and snowing (light snow) I had no gloves and no hat...but I was sweating...yup...I haven't broken into a sweat in years. Monday, I asked him to pick me up at a different location and that also gave me about a 15 minute walk, only it was windy, cold and I was in a sweat. Today is Wednesday Feb 10th, I am going to walk after work and get him to pick me up somewhere down the passage. I am going to strive to get further and do more walking today.
I know I jumped ahead a little but my next post will be about the appointment I had with Andrea Tuesday, Feb 9th. I have some wonderful things to share, including pictures and video. :o)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Postponed
The title says it all. Andrea with the Lymphedema Clinic called and cancelled. I was so upset, I did not post about it. She is supposed to call me back with more appointments soon. All I seem to do anymore is wait....
But yet...no one has to wait for me :o(
But yet...no one has to wait for me :o(
Monday, January 18, 2010
A Brand New Start : Part 2
After much begging and pleading with my doctor to help me with the enormous amount of pain and swelling in my legs, I went to see someone at the Lymphedema clinic at the hospital. It was a long time coming. I asked my primary care physician (PCP) to send me years ago, and she felt there was no need and dismissed it. All the while my legs kept getting bigger and I grew steadily more depressed. With having two herniated discs in my back, migraines almost daily (they have slowed somewhat with a couple changes in medications, but they are still very much part of my life)and the pain from the increasingly swollen legs, I was absolutely miserable. I am stubborn and try very hard NOT to take medication for pain. When I do take medication, I feel as though the pain has won, and I have lost the battle of that specific day. I fear becoming dependent on the medication, I want to be pain AND medication free. That doesn't seem like a lot to ask for, and yet it is a fight sometimes to get someone to listen to me. My family listens but cannot do much. Doctors well, they are great, but sometimes with them being so busy, they can lose their naturally empathetic nature and just see me as just another complainer.
Finally the straw that finally broke the camels back, is when the Active Living Clinic (for weight loss and better nutrition) refused to believe me that I have been following their plan, basically it was Canada's Food Guide. OK, so I slipped occasionally. Don't we all! But for the most part, I had no appetite anymore,and I really tried. I also complained to them about my 'growing' legs. Despite losing weight in my arms and upper torso, my legs were gaining and the scale just kept creeping up. I measured them and could feel the increasing pressure in the lower legs. The physio therapist stated I have lymphedema and need it treated and have my legs wrapped. This was the first I heard about this disorder, and from there that began my search for my health. The endocrinologist told me there was nothing further he could do with regards to my weight and that I would have to "fix my issues mentally, before I could proceed further". AHHHH Yes...the old "It's in your head, we don't know how to fix you, and you are so not worth my time" Been there many times before, and I heard it again. Here we go again! Me crying in another doctors office, begging for help, and they tell me I am a lost cause. I wanted to die. I am not suicidal, not at all. I just didn't want to live anymore, I would never terminate my life, but I did wish I were dead. The dietitian came in and stared me down and pretty much called me a liar without using those exact words. She said if I was doing everything right I would be losing weight. I must not be doing it right and she had no further advise for me either. Needless the say the three 'professionals' listed above were all from the 'Active Living Clinic' The only one of any use was the physio therapist who saw that my legs were NOT NORMAL.
Back to my primary care physician (PCP), The first time I requested to see someone about the lymphedema, she turned me down, after doing more and more research online, I concluded I did have lymphedema, as most every person's legs looked like mine and we all shared a similar issue with doctors and dietitians telling us to lose weight, and no success. I also read up on Lipedema to a smaller degree. I will elaborate more as my posts go on.
I went back to my PCP and this time, I did not ask for a referral, I TOLD her I wanted a referral. She agreed to an assessment in the lymphedema clinic. She told me to call and provided the number for the clinic. I called and asked if they received my referral, no they had not. I called my PCP's office and could not get through for days. Finally I asked my husband to go and see them and request a copy of the referral be resent. The secretary acted confused,and booked an appointment for me with my PCP. I went to the appointment and asked again about the referral, she stated she would send it along shortly. I left and about a week later called the lymphedema clinic about this referral, they still had not received it, this happened two more times, with the PCPs office and referral, to the call to Lymphedema clinic. Finally the lymphedema clinic advised that if my PCP could write up a quick note I would be able to walk the referral in and that may be faster. I did just that. I went to see my PCP which, by the way, was about 10 months since I requested the referral. I took the referral right up to the clinic and handed it to them personally. Within a week, I had my appointment for the assessment. I was diagnosed with Lipedema and secondary Lymphedema. I will do separate posts to differentiate between the two and to highlight some profound information, that was a positive turn around for me.
Therapy starts tomorrow. It includes Manual Lymph draining (massage technique) wrapping my legs to reduce them, and then eventually graduating to support stockings. This is a life long disorders, I will have to maintain the care of these legs to prevent them from swelling again.
I will be posting pictures of my legs now...and as treatment goes along, hopefully some impressive pictures of results. :o)
Finally the straw that finally broke the camels back, is when the Active Living Clinic (for weight loss and better nutrition) refused to believe me that I have been following their plan, basically it was Canada's Food Guide. OK, so I slipped occasionally. Don't we all! But for the most part, I had no appetite anymore,and I really tried. I also complained to them about my 'growing' legs. Despite losing weight in my arms and upper torso, my legs were gaining and the scale just kept creeping up. I measured them and could feel the increasing pressure in the lower legs. The physio therapist stated I have lymphedema and need it treated and have my legs wrapped. This was the first I heard about this disorder, and from there that began my search for my health. The endocrinologist told me there was nothing further he could do with regards to my weight and that I would have to "fix my issues mentally, before I could proceed further". AHHHH Yes...the old "It's in your head, we don't know how to fix you, and you are so not worth my time" Been there many times before, and I heard it again. Here we go again! Me crying in another doctors office, begging for help, and they tell me I am a lost cause. I wanted to die. I am not suicidal, not at all. I just didn't want to live anymore, I would never terminate my life, but I did wish I were dead. The dietitian came in and stared me down and pretty much called me a liar without using those exact words. She said if I was doing everything right I would be losing weight. I must not be doing it right and she had no further advise for me either. Needless the say the three 'professionals' listed above were all from the 'Active Living Clinic' The only one of any use was the physio therapist who saw that my legs were NOT NORMAL.
Back to my primary care physician (PCP), The first time I requested to see someone about the lymphedema, she turned me down, after doing more and more research online, I concluded I did have lymphedema, as most every person's legs looked like mine and we all shared a similar issue with doctors and dietitians telling us to lose weight, and no success. I also read up on Lipedema to a smaller degree. I will elaborate more as my posts go on.
I went back to my PCP and this time, I did not ask for a referral, I TOLD her I wanted a referral. She agreed to an assessment in the lymphedema clinic. She told me to call and provided the number for the clinic. I called and asked if they received my referral, no they had not. I called my PCP's office and could not get through for days. Finally I asked my husband to go and see them and request a copy of the referral be resent. The secretary acted confused,and booked an appointment for me with my PCP. I went to the appointment and asked again about the referral, she stated she would send it along shortly. I left and about a week later called the lymphedema clinic about this referral, they still had not received it, this happened two more times, with the PCPs office and referral, to the call to Lymphedema clinic. Finally the lymphedema clinic advised that if my PCP could write up a quick note I would be able to walk the referral in and that may be faster. I did just that. I went to see my PCP which, by the way, was about 10 months since I requested the referral. I took the referral right up to the clinic and handed it to them personally. Within a week, I had my appointment for the assessment. I was diagnosed with Lipedema and secondary Lymphedema. I will do separate posts to differentiate between the two and to highlight some profound information, that was a positive turn around for me.
Therapy starts tomorrow. It includes Manual Lymph draining (massage technique) wrapping my legs to reduce them, and then eventually graduating to support stockings. This is a life long disorders, I will have to maintain the care of these legs to prevent them from swelling again.
I will be posting pictures of my legs now...and as treatment goes along, hopefully some impressive pictures of results. :o)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
