A Brand New Start : Part 1

For years, I, like so many, have been battling my weight. I am at my biggest and I have fought for years to gain control. I have been so ashamed of myself, slowly turning inside of myself. I love computers. I can speak with people and share my life, without really needing to see them. I so dislike my appearance; soon this will change. This is the 'start' of me gaining my control back. First, I need to explain how I got here.

For years I have had issues with my legs and huge rear end. It all started about when I was 15, I noticed my legs were getting thicker, despite the fact that I was an avid jogger back then. The doctors and everyone else simply said it is because I am building up my calf muscles. I eventually started having trouble buying pants. My calves were large, my thighs were bigger and my ass was HUGE...and yet I had a smaller waist. This meant most of my pants were falling off my hips, tight on my legs, and not on my waist. Belts helped temporarily until I decided to wear pleated pants. They were a life saver to me, in 'normal' people when they wore them they appeared to have blousy trousers, for me they were 'just right'. I continued to live my life, and then my life slowly started to fall apart. I had a series of bad, abusive relationships. I did resort to food for comfort WHEN I had food, but that is another story.

After I had my first child, I started gaining weight almost exponentially, or at least it felt that way. I remember having a complete meltdown at my legs...just my legs...I cried and panicked when I was telling my family about how big they are getting. I was dismissed. My brother stated he has big legs too, and showed me his calves, but um... he is male and being a male, his makeup and structure is a little different than that of women. I accepted it, and became more and more self conscious of my appearance. I was slowly becoming more and more of a recluse, I just wasn't aware of it. YET

I moved away to go to school, just me and my little man (my son). We moved to a new city where I knew NO ONE. I gradually made friends, but while I was waiting, food was my friend. So I know I had a large part to play in my "becoming supersized" What I did not have control over was how large my ass and legs would become. Shorts were no longer an item I would allow in my closet or drawers. Dresses that did not go to my ankles were a flat out NONO. I did have a bathing suit and even though it was rarely used I reserved my bathing suit for when I went to a water park OUTSIDE of town or a sparsely populated beach where no one knew me, or if they could, at least they would not know me.

I hated and still hate looking at myself in the mirror and seeing what I DID to myself. I begged for help, with so many doctors. They put me on diets (and believe it or not, I did follow them. I tried diet pills and exercise and even resorted to only eating one meal a day). I tried EVERYTHING and my legs got bigger and I would only lose a small amount of weight overall. One of my docs said at the time "Well, you are healthy, perhaps you are meant to be this way" Physically I was fine. I would get awful pains in my lower legs from time to time, but I always had those as far back as I remember. Other doctors said they had no answers, and pretty much gave up, and in time I gave up too. When I was younger, I didn't have the blood pressure issues and bad back issues that are such an integral, albeit negative, part of my life right now. I did have back pain, but episodes were 'few and far between' and those related issues were mild compared to painful hell that is my life now. As time moved on, my weight became more and more of an issue. I had my daughter and during that pregnancy I had pregnancy induced hypertension. Although it was not as severe as when I was pregnant, it was something I would come to live with long after my littlest angel was born.

My daughter was only a year old when I decided to start working, I became my own boss. I owned and operated my own taxis. About six months in to my new business venture, a lady ran a red light in the wee hours of the morning (5AM), she had just come out from a coffee run to Tim Horton's and was late getting back to work. So instead of stopping she decided to charge through... and the rest is history!! I won't bore you with the details. Needless to say, I was in excruciating pain, pretty much bedridden (well couch ridden anyway)and I lost my precious car...I loved that car. I loved it more once I found out from the adjusters that car may have actually even saved my life due to being made with 'real metal'.

Whoa...I can really go off on a tangent there, can't I.... I always wondered why for years I thought my name was "Shut-up Danielle" I TALKED ALL THE TIME!!! Much to the annoyance of family, friends, teachers, and countless others. No wonder sometimes I don't get taken seriously. I mean really, I have valid issues, people just turn down their listening when I talk. Now that I am a mother and have children much like myself; I understand, I really do and I do make a concerted effort to listen to them, as I know the pain that is felt when you are ignored or yelled at simply for 'talking'. This is another topic and I must get back on track or you, my dear readers, will not finish reading my post.

This was all to set the stage for my upcoming post: A Brand New Start : Part 2. I will also name specific topics related to issues directly i.e. Lipedema, Lymphedema, Back Pain, and perhaps some other issues as they may (or may not) come up.