Random thoughts

My Name is Danielle: The old me, the school years

2010-11-05T03:39:00.008-03:00

Oh yes... the school years. Since I don't really remember much from my school years in Canada with the exception of a nun dragging me around by my ear when I spoke English in a French school when I was in Grade 1, (I was living in a French town at the time). I can't give much more detail from my younger school years. I was in my 3rd year of elementary school when my family relocated to Mississippi. Here is the story. I am going to try and keep this in chronological order... but memories from so long ago are not date and time stamped. That would make things so much more complicated in an already busy mind ;oP

I remember the first day of school in Picayune. I didn't want to go. I didn't know ANYONE!!! Even back then I did not like crowds or groups and especially so when you are in unfamiliar surroundings. My mother didn't know what school to take me to... there was only one junior high for my brother... and one high school for my older brother and sister. So she took me to the elementary school she thought was closest to home. West Side Elementary. I don't remember much there. They put the run to me and mom once they found out where I lived. They told me my school was South Side and I had to go there. I remember that... they gave my mom directions.

This school scared me, and it scared my mom... it was all fenced in and it looked abandoned and if I remember correctly it was not in great shape at least compared to the previous school we were at before they redirected us. My mother enrolled me and she was told to take me to Mrs. Grantham's class... and was given directions how to get me there... no escort from the office, no paper work AND my mom had to make the introductions. Mrs Grantham was not very pleased and she basically said to my mother... she had no room for me, to take me back to the office. My mom said "The office said to bring her here. If you have a problem with the office, YOU go to the office" OH SHIT... here we go, I remember starting to cry already. "My teacher didn't want me." I remember thinking. Remember old me had confidence issues at this point anyway. New and Old Danielle don't like change... but New Danielle can handle it now when I have time to prepare and psych myself up for it. I was only 8 and would cry at the drop of a hat.

Mrs. Grantham came back down the hallway and said "Take her to Mrs. Pigott's class across the hall". The New me thinks back to that day and all I can think is Mrs Grantham must have had a really bad morning because she was nice any other time to me and all of her students seemed to love her... Something must have happened and it really had nothing to do with me... but tell that to an Old me who was already scared of change as it was.

Mrs Pigott greeted me and sat me at a desk and then she went to the principals office too... "What in the world did I do?" was all I could think. I thought she didn't want me either. I put my head down and cried my eyes out. I had no school supplies yet. I remember a couple of students patted me on the back and handed me some paper and a pencil and told me that I had to write January (the new month) and the day of the week repeatedly. I thought this was odd... because I already knew how to spell all the months, and days of the week in two languages. Oh yeah, I was a rebel. I don't remember much about the rest of Grade 3. I do remember that I liked Mrs. Pigott a great deal. She was so very nice to me. She would give me hugs, I think she could tell there were times when I needed one. Every Friday if we were good that week, she would send us home with a treat. I loved Fridays. That hasn't changed much. :o)

Oh Grade 4.... THE NIGHTMARE BEGINS I got unlucky that year. I got a teacher who just didn't seem to like me at all. She believed in Corporal punishment. She had a paddle named George she kept on the hook close to her desk. George and I made contact a couple of times. I was fortunate enough to have discovered pink slips. I had no idea what pink slips were. She would always threaten me with them and since I felt like I did nothing wrong, I did not see them as bad things. "How could anything pink be bad???" I thought. Well I soon found out, pink slips were a one-way pass to the office meaning "YOU ARE IN SHIT!" I started to hate the colour pink especially in pink forms. New me still hates pink paperwork... Go figure!

SPITBALLS I didn't have a clue what spitballs were at all. Call me naive, or whatever you like. My mouth usually got me in trouble... almost always... but I didn't use any props. I didn't have to because my mouth just didn't know when to stop... ask anyone who really knows the old and new me... it is still like that. Spitballs were being thrown (or rather spit) from behind my desk. Some landed on my desk. Whoever complained about the spitballs sure got the teacher upset. She walked down my row and I looked down and discovered that my desk had random spitballs on the desk... ewwwww. "But Mrs. I didn't do it... I don't know where they came from but not from me I even have them in my hair." I told her. Lucky me. I told her I thought they came from behind me somewhere because she thought I had thrown the spitballs. I got paddled, had to stay in for recess, and I DIDN'T DO A FREAKING THING WRONG!!!!

Some time later (weeks, maybe a month or two not sure) I saw someone using their magic markers to paint my friend Natalie's hair and she was unaware. She had the most beautiful long blonde hair and it landed on this classmates desk, therefore becoming a canvas for his artwork. I told the teacher about this right away. She curtly advised to me that for the remainder of the day that I will be wearing the "tattle tail". It was a sign made of construction paper saying "tattle tail" in bold letters and had construction paper rings (the tail) that hung all the way to my feet. It announced the entire playground that I tattled on a classmate. OK, sure I tattled... but I was tattling because another classmate was painting my friends hair with MARKERS. He was not punished. Again... GO FIGURE?!?!?!?

REPORT CARD DAY Oh this was a great day... The day my parents came to school to confront my teacher. My grades were all A's except for reading. I got a D. Yes, a D!!! I was in a twelfth grade reader, they had to find an appropriate reader for me in Grade 4 at that level. Most 12th grade material was "too mature. etc" but they found something. I remember Zimbabwe being part of the reading material. My parents asked this teacher why I got a D if I am so advanced in reading. I was reading before I entered Grade 1 and I did so in two languages French and English. Her response to my parents???? "She has a strong French accent, and she is not pronouncing the words correctly, she is doing it with an accent.". My parents were none too impressed. I already hated my teacher, she used to make me ill; horribly, physically ill. I would throw up, I would cry more than I did before and I shook... I mean I shook like a person with severe Parkinson's Disease. A washing mashing on spin cycle with a load off kilter was nothing and I mean NOTHING compared to my nerves!!!

We had a substitute principal as the principal had a heart attack and was out for a while. The teacher wrote a lovely pink slip and sent me to the office AGAIN... I can't remember why... I would just come to the principals office in tears and they would calm me down, and let me go back. I never remember the principal ever punishing me AT ALL. Mr "Foots" Hill was the fill in principal that day. He was my angel. I wish I could tell him how he saved me back then. I was crying and when I calmed down he noticed how I shook so bad I could barely compose myself. He called my mom and she came right to the school. He talked to mom and mom told him about some of the things the teacher had done to me. I remember him holding my hand and telling me I should not shake like this and I could go home for the day with my mom. I heard him tell my mom that he will walk up and down the hall more often by my class and make his presence known. That he did. I remember hearing his footsteps knowing he was there and thinking he was protecting me. Shortly after this incident teacher went on maternity leave and all I could think of is how sorry I felt for this poor innocent baby coming into the world under her protection or lack thereof, with her random idiosyncrasies that seemed to plague her at moments notice and with no good reason whatsoever. With her gone I got some peace, but the damage she caused will live with me forever. I want to let it go. But she still haunts me to this day. That teacher just wasn't right!!!!

Grade 8 or 9 (or maybe 7) this is one of those "wish I had a time stamp" thingies I was speaking about earlier. Junior high for sure ;oP My English teacher. She was a special unit. She loved her paddle too, she just did not have a name for it. She loved to throw toilet paper, erasers, and chalk at any student she felt was doing something wrong or gave a wrong answer when she felt the need. That entire class became pretty good at being able to dodge and duck on a split seconds notice (I think George Bush would have been proud... or perhaps he may have even had her as a teacher). I got paddled one day. She thought I said a swear word. I did not, but after the paddling, I wish I had. I was wearing my scoliosis brace at the time. This was a fiberglass/plastic contraption and it was molded for my body, it did not go up to my neck, but it went under my sternum) shaped like a reverse rib cage so hard to describe) with arm pit supports and went down over my tail bone and in front over my pubic bone. I had to wear huge clothes two sizes too big and she KNEW I was wearing a brace... It was not comfortable. It was not fun and it sure was NOT INVISIBLE! When I got three strikes with the paddle, the paddle pushed the piece beneath the sternum under the rib cage and up and under the sternum. When you get paddled you have to bend over and touch your knees. I did not have this flexibility so she had me brace the wall and bend how I could, so she was well aware of me and my brace. I was in a lot of pain. I wound up hospitalized for pneumonia. I REFUSED to ever wear this contraption again... and boy were my parents mad... they spent all this money on this thing and an entire wardrobe.... and I only told mom and dad what she did to me when I was in my 30's. I thought if I had told mom and dad back then I would be in trouble at home too. Mom said she wished she would have known because she would have sued the school for abuse. I wish I would have known she felt that way. I wish I felt that I could have told her that back then. I wish I wish I wish.... Oh well. It is in the past.

Well this is it for this chapter. I have a couple other psycho teachers. I take heart knowing that with so many of these 'psycho' teachers, other students were also involved. This way it didn't feel personal. It is one thing when everyone is treated equally bad. It is another when one is being singled out.

My next chapter will deal with classmates, the good, the bad and the hurtful!!!

My Name is Danielle, This is who I am

2010-10-28T22:19:00.009-03:00

Most people do the I am a mother, daughter, sister, etc; thing. I am so much more. While I am proud of who I am by those definitions, I have others that truly break down what really defines who I am and how I came to be.

I have two chapters in my life. One is from birth to age 18 and 11/12ths (one month shy of my 19th birthday) and then there is the one from 18 and 11/12ths (that remainder of time just before my 19th birthday) to present day and onward to the future. I will refer to them simply as old me and new me... there is a distinction between the two. Some of my friends only knew me as the 'new' me but I have told them stories of the old me. Other friends and family knew me as both but some family cannot distinguish between the old me and the new me. The still see the little girl who talked entirely too much. Acted inappropriately at times and was very nervous. Not much has changed. I still talk a lot, but I try and keep it to a minimum. If I act inappropriately, I do so consciously and usually with good will and humour intended. I am still very nervous but the new me suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to abuses I suffered at the hands of a very mentally ill individual when I was the old me. I will regale the readers with details of this later.

I have decided to write about who I am, because of some emails I have received from family. One cousin and one sibling in particular. I am keeping names out of this, but if they were to stumble upon this blog, they would know and recognize themselves in this as they know what they said and did to me.

As the old me and being the youngest of four children, I always felt I was being raised by 5 parents; my parents and three siblings. Like all kids I told little lies, I did things to bug the older ones, and I definitely got on peoples nerves. I recognize this as an adult and I now own up to everything I may have done wrong as a child. The past is the past. I am sure they did things wrong in the past too. The problem is that for some reason these two people have never let me 'grow' up. They continually call me a liar via emails, despite me fighting and PROVING that I have not lied during recent events OVER AND OVER but all they could say was that I was a liar from childhood... they would not realize that child grew up. That child was no longer telling tales. I was no longer crying wolf and had not in over 25+ years!!!

I was accused of doing things I am unable to do because I do not have the capabilities to do so. I have been accused of hacking into other peoples computers. I know electronics, sure... but I KNOW DESIGN, CIRCUIT BOARD ETCHING, BUILDING AND TROUBLESHOOTING OF HARDWARE ISSUES. Cracking of software is not my forte...but I thank them for giving me the credit for this illegal activity... this is the first time they acknowledged my intelligence whatsoever, even though I cannot do this. It was almost humourous if not so pathetic and insulting.

I have an IQ of 163. I get treated like an idiot all the time. I get talked down to because I require clarification, or perhaps the person to whom I am speaking has been unclear and there could be two ways to interpret their comments/statements. Some people might say "she is blonde, or a little shy on the uptake, a little slow to catch on..." but give me a math equation, a working circuit board or a faulty circuit board or even a poor running car... and we will see where Danielle shines!!! God bless my husband for he understands my mind and how I need clarity to better understand what is being said.

A great example of how my mind works: I slept through my physics class in college and still scored second highest in my class. Bless my professor who knew that my son (who was only 3 years old at the time) was very, very sick and I was up all the time with him when he was ill which seemed to be all the time. He knew my marks were good, and he let me sleep, often commenting how I only snored a few times through class that day (and he often included a laugh, he was very kind to me). These are some of the people who have the patience with new me, there are so many more and I will get to them as time and this post moves forward. Some of these people are my sanity. They are my loves, my strength. Not romantically. I love them as family, they could see in me so much more than a pain... they saw what lied beneath, capability. I have filled the voids that I lost with the people who should have stayed with me... with the people who did stay in my life (friends), or those who came back into my life just at the time when I needed someone the most. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe this. Everyone is in your life for a reason and this I also believe. Life is too short to live my life with people who make life miserable.

I'm a fighter. I fought for my life a few times. Once I was shot at, and the loser missed, second time I had a knife held to my throat. I was being forced to change brakes and flex hoses as I was accused by my ex that I had cut the brake lines. This made no sense as I was the last one who drove the car, and had no brakes when driving it... but oh well he was nuts and I know that now!!! I was 5 months pregnant with my son. I managed to escape. That was the night I got put into a safe house and plans were put in the works to send me back to Canada (from the US) to my parents where I would be safe. That was the death of 'old' me when I boarded that plane, never to return...all memories in tact, nightmares to remain to this day, but a 'new' me was born, a stronger me. One who vowed to NEVER starve again, one who will never be struck by a man, one who will never EVER be made be feel inferior and I WILL FIGHT for years (up to and including the present) to enforce the latter.

I don't just fight for myself. I fight for all those I see being wronged. It could be a cashier at a store checkout being yelled at by a customer who is, well, flat out wrong and I know the customer is wrong because I witnessed it. It could be my parents who were wronged by a crooked auto repair shop who was falsifying car problems to maximize their profits. It could be a child being bullied by other children, not just my kids but other parents would not want their children bullied I am sure. I fight... but I don't fight from an office. I don't fight on TV. I stand up for what I believe is right at the time that I see it. I don't wait to address it. Too many times people have "turned the other way" when they saw me being wronged.

I have so many stories, from nursing school where our group of eight witnessed our nursing teacher say horrible things to me and belittle and insult me over and over again. They were so scared of her and told me repeatedly they "wanted" to say something but were concerned about their futures in the school. That same teacher had said to me "Can't you lose weight, your legs make you look like you have a health problem and no one wants a nurse who has a health problem to take care of them" This was in 1992. I was diagnosed with Lymphedema earlier this year (2010).... I have had HUGE legs for years... and was always a target for insults and ridicule!!!! I did have a health problem, but it was nothing that would hinder my providing care to patients. I fought and went to the administration/student counselor of the nursing school. Their response "This teacher is one of my friends, she would never do this to anyone" I knew I lost that fight. I lost this fight because I fought alone. No one would stand up with me. Seven other nursing students all saw what was being done to me, but none could come forward for fear of their futures and retribution from the school. I HAD TO STAND AND FIGHT ALONE!!! But that was a great example of "Everything happens for a reason". I will refer to this little quote often.

I came to the conclusion that perhaps nursing wasn't for me. I always wanted to be a doctor, but always knew with a young child at home AND being a single parent all this time for schooling was probably going to be a no-go anyway. I will continue to study the practice of medicine. The dream may be gone, the desire will forever remain. Being a nurse for me is like being Miss Congeniality in the Miss Universe pageant. It wasn't what you really wanted, and you will forever want what you failed to obtain. I myself am not willing nor was I willing to settle. I wanted so bad to be a doctor. To settle taking orders from doctors, just wasn't in my heart. I knew deep down I would forever feel that loss deep in my heart.

Electronics Engineering Technologist. This was a good fit for me. I was able to diagnose, treat and repair (just like a doctor) and even design. Only the patients were not sentient. I didn't know ANYTHING about Electronics when I entered the course... not a clue... everyone else... seemed to know everything... I didn't even know the purpose of a basic resistor. Or Ohm or anything like that... how stupid does that sound... ridiculous if you know this.. if you don't it is OK... don't feel bad... I didn't either.

By the end of the first term, I went from not knowing anything to being top in my class. I managed to piss everyone off because they were all so sure I was cheating. Then they decided I was being "pushed" through because I was female. It was not because I had an uncanny ability to see circuits in my head, it had nothing to do with being able to memorize countless theorems and equations without a cheat sheet. It had nothing to do with me understanding all the Laws of Physics without any difficulties whatsoever. It was because I had a vagina and two boobs. Damn... All this power and I didn't know it before I entered term 1 of this course.

Large Marge the Human Barge That was my name in electronics. They called me that because they never took the time to realize my name was DANIELLE. Margaret was another girl in class who did not make it through first term (yet she was female too... HUH!)They thought she was Danielle cause she was skinny and pretty. I looked more like a Marge...Large Marge the Human Barge... yeah I was fat.

Unisys GSG and the Canadian Patrol Frigate Program What a job.... Did you people know that I only got this job because I was a female... it was not because I was on the Dean's list, and the Presidents List? It was not because I had top marks in my class and aced all the prerequisite job testing. It was because of my vagina and boobs again. Man, am I ever glad I had them added before I got into that course. By then I was the only female in the class. I was without a lab partner and was working solo. The boys must not have wanted to catch girl cooties... but oh dear if their labs didn't work... guess who got brought a nice hot coffee and a cinnamon roll from the cafeteria... ME, that's right.. Large Marge the HUMAN BARGE!!! Stupidly, because I wanted to make friends I would help, only to be ignored once they got what they wanted: A passing lab score. When I went to the Department head to complain. He suggested it was because I was female and more sensitive and he also knew I was pregnant with my daughter at the time, which did not make things any better for my cause either. Sexist bastard that he was. I was the only female in class. No man would come forward to say about another male was treating me this way... are you kidding me??? The Professors knew I did not have a lab partner... a class of 13. They did not want a lab with more than two people in a team... nice way to make a person more isolated in an odd numbered class. I STOOD ALONE!

Unisys was not the only job offer extended to me... NB Power also extended a job offer to me... that was a real source of contention amongst my classmates. I was the only one to get two job offers. A few students had NO JOB offers at all... I chose Unisys over NB power because how many people can claim they had their hands in building a Navy ship??? It was one of the highlights of my life and some the best memories I ever had. I worked with Navigation and Underwater Combat Control Systems... I got to work with awesome toys like the SONAR and Doppler Speed Log, TACAN, INS, Torpedo, NIXIE, Sonobuoy Processing System, Horizon Bar Systems, Card Repeaters and so much more. What an experience!

I am going to close this portion of "Who I am" as this gives a little bit of what was me, in the past and present, although mostly past. I figure those of you who have memories of the old Danielle may be surprised to learn of the things I have seen, done and unfortunately, in some cases, had to live through.

I still stand alone. I still fight alone. When I go and I need someone with me... there is often a body close by... but the presence of someone who 'fights' with me is not there. I fight alone. I am in pain alone. No one will bear witness to the agony I have suffered although they have witnessed it themselves. Everyone looks out for themselves anymore. I have faced so much alone.. I never want anyone to be alone... so I will "fight with them". Where is everyone when I need someone to fight with or for me??? If you ever see something wrong... SPEAK UP... you may be doing someone a favour that they do desperately need and you could really make a difference in their lives. One you could not possibly imagine.

Amazing results

2010-05-05T14:31:00.004-03:00

Hi! I haven't posted in a while, I was really too busy enjoying being able to move without a cane, ordering my new roller skates...YES, me, roller skates!!! No more cane, increased mobility = An overjoyed Danielle!!! Nothing short of a miracle can describe the reduction of pain in my legs, I still get the odd pain shooting down the legs, but that can be attributed to my back more so than the Lymphedema. I have gotten my permanent wraps. They are not the support stockings they initially thought. Since my feet are 'normal sized' they decided to order me some Ready Wraps by Solaris (About lymphedema: http://www.solarismed.com/lymphedema.php about Ready Wraps: http://solarismed.com/store/cart.php?m=product_detail&p=84). They work well, I recommend them highly for convenience sake, comfort and less bulk. I still wrap my legs when I plan on exercising more as the ready wraps do have a tendency to slide down my legs and then I need to sit, un-velcro them and reposition then and re-attach them. Doesn't take long, but can stop the momentum of the exercise.

In the first two weeks of compression therapy I lost 4 inches off of each mid calf. YIPES...that is good. Within a few days, I was more mobile. I have not measured my legs since, but I do know they have gotten softer...as in not tight, no more pitting edema, and get this...you will all be grossed out and I don't care...for the first time almost ever...I have leg hair. Due to the poor circulation, I have not had leg hair...I used to get very little...and I bragged about it (I bragged about NOT having it)...not knowing that this was not the best thing for me, after all, be careful what you wish for and all that jazz LOL. Anyway...so now I have leg hair...perhaps too much...I am thinking the PCOS is the result of giving me excess body hair. I can grow a better mustache than my husband...but I digress. I am happy to see the leg hair, this means a return of circulation, not only are my legs smaller but now I look like an ape...and I couldn't be happier. Go figure...it is amazing what you can appreciate once you have a chance to see things again with open eyes.

So about the roller skating. I have not been roller skating since I was 15... I can move now. I tell everyone about my miracle. Some people have said to me you can't really believe that is a miracle. Those were the same people who mocked me and refused to believe or understand my almost constant suffering. Yes...it is a miracle. I believe this came to me at the time in my life I needed something the most. Much like the timing of my children, it too was a Godsend. I am not overly religious, but let me tell you, as I stated in previous posts, I thought I was not going to live much longer at the rate my body was feeling. Not to dwell on that, but I need to remember how I felt then, to appreciate how I feel now. I needed intervention, and I believe I had to go through this in order to be able to really appreciate my life and good health. So here I went again...on another tangent. I decided I wanted to recapture time lost. I wanted to experience what was lost so many years ago. I look at the world with a whole new light and understanding now. I am free from my bondage. What an AMAZING FEELING!! To me freedom is synonymous with skating; free, wind in my hair, being able to appreciate the ability to move. Well, it sounds good on paper...or blog, but when I got my beautiful skates something happened, I could stand on them, but it was like being in the most slippery ice. I fell on my ass...and bit my lip!!! My balance sucks...but I am no quitter...NO NO...I called the company and told them I needed training wheels and was there anything I could do to slow these things down...there was...tightening the wheels little by little until I could find a speed where I can get my skate legs back. Marshall got right to work tightening up the wheels for me. Just wearing the skates for 5 minutes, I can feel and appreciate muscles that have long since been forgotten. I break into a full sweat in this same 5 minutes...and my heart is pumping...what an exhilarating feeling. Slow and steady wins the race. I have time now to perfect my skating skills...I have my life back. I have the rest of my long life to re-learn to skate... I WILL FEEL THAT WIND BLOWING THROUGH MY HAIR, I WILL!!!

Life is good. Too much time was wasted on things I could not control, I missed walking, I missed being pain free as much as a person with Fibromyalgia, herniated discs, and a chronic migraine sufferer can claim to be. That sentence was not grammatically correct and usually I am so anal about these things...screw it...too much time wasted on nonsense...ON TO LIVING!!!

Started Feb 5th

2010-02-10T11:27:00.008-04:00

Yes...it started I did not write to announce this date...just in case it got cancelled today. I was diagnosed with Lipedema and Lymphedema. I will give just a brief explanation of each. Lipedema is an abnormal pooling of subcutaneous fat in the areas below the waist to the feet. Not all Lipedema sufferers are created equal. Lipedema is hereditary and and it follows the females down a family line. I was blessed to have this all the way from my hips to my ankles. My mother has a similar shape to mine in the rear and stomach below the waist and thigh, only she does not have the calf issues, mine are huge.

I was measured that very first day, my ankle...yes, my ankle was 38cm in circumference. It goes up from there, She has all the measurements all the way up to my knees. Just below my knee the circumference was 72 cm. DAMN...no wonder I was in so much pain. That brings me to another point. Lipedema has been coined the term "Painful Fat disease/disorder" NICE, let me tell you it is appropriate as I hurt so bad some days I was brought to tears. I suffered alone, I could tell anyone who listened that I was in pain, but I know no one knew...really knew how painful this all was for me. Couple the leg pain with the back pain and Fibromyalgia and my life became nothing short of a living hell.

I could barely walk Feb 5th. When I did it felt like a struggle and if I needed to put my shoes on...I either had to slip them on or I had to pull my leg up as close as I could because my back would not let me bend over. My legs were heavy to lift, but it needed to be done, I was so physically exhausted all the time. The list of my complaints were long...so very long, and I was as tired of talking about them as I was living with them, I can only imagine what my loved ones had to do to listen to all the complaints without wanting to snap me in half. Luckily I have great kids and the most amazing husband. He is more than supportive. He has been doing most of the cooking (when I actually feel like eating, the pain has a tendency to be an appetite killer) Oh yeah and that brings me to all the medical professionals that told me I must be lying cause I was gaining weight...well DUH it was a ton of fluid in my freaking LEGS!!!! Let's not forget to mention limited mobility made exercise damn near impossible, no matter how willing my mind was.

I want to explain as much of how I felt that day so I can share my experiences with those who don't have it, and to also be able to help those who are trying to do some research on their own like I did. If you think you have this...Don't stop asking for help. Keep researching. You will be glad you did!!! I talked via email with a couple of people I found online with Lipedema and Lymphedema. They echoed the pain and frustration with trying to get help and wished me luck. They inspired me. I was impressed with their results. They all had the same long stories, refusal after refusal for help, advising to lose weight and accusations of cheating on diets they were being faithful to. Doctors saying there is 'Nothing further that can be done'...TO THIS I SAY BULLSHIT!!!

Most physicians don't understand it. Let's face it...there is so much to a human body and this rare condition gets overlooked quite easily. Most times physicians think that this is just your normal body shape...I have known for years I did not look normal...far from it, I was stared at, had so many comments made about my appearance. I was even in nursing school and I remember an RN teacher actually asked me "You could lose some weight, because you look like you have a health problem, and no patients wants to be attended by a nurse who looks ill" She was referring to my legs as school uniforms were the nurses dresses, we were not allowed to wear pants. That was one of the last times I wore that uniform, I left shortly thereafter realizing, if she was a nurse and a health care professional, I wanted NO PART of her world. I wanted to be a doctor, truthfully anyway, and being a nurse is NOTHING like being a doctor, but I digress.

I rarely wore dresses after that and back then, my legs were a lot smaller, this was before I had my second child so we are talking about 18 years ago now. It was the insults and constant comments on my size and weight, let alone the every so helpful comments of "You know you would feel better and get smaller if you just tried to lose weight" I HAVE BEEN TRYING, because I got no results they decided I was not trying hard enough.

OK! Enough with my tangent tirade here Back to Lipedema: This type of fat cannot be dieted off, nor can it be exercised off. That being said, I do take ownership of my weight issues as I am not skinny on the top half of my body either. I do believe this fluid accumulation had an effect on my metabolism and most definitely my activity level. Everything was compounding on me. My moods were becoming effected as well. I was slowly being convinced I would not live much longer feeling like I was. I was scared, but I kinda slowly started reminding my husband about my wishes 'should' I pass away. I also let him know about what insurances I have and what I want done with regards to funeral. In my case. I wanted no funeral, just a quick visitation by those I love the most in this world. Those who stood by me and NEVER ONCE made me feeling bad for who I was. They are Marshall, Christian and Breanna and Devin my new Daughter-in-law of course. Beyond that I wanted no visitation, no funeral, just cremation, no casket, I wanted it done as cheaply as possible so my family will have something to look after them once I am gone. But I have a feeling that won't be needed anytime soon...Thank God!!!! So now...on to the good stuff!!!!

I was wrapped on Feb 5th at 2:30, almost immediately I could feel the counter-pressure and it felt good...imagine that pressure on one of my sorest areas and it really felt good. She told me I needed to walk-walk-walk and it would help. At first I was scared because I knew I could barely walk anymore. I was wondering how I could make this happen. Then by Friday evening, the wrapping and my body let me know it is working and I would be able to walk. No, I am not hearing voices!!! The dressing was falling off my legs, and I could see why...they started shrinking! I could see some definition in the legs, I called Marshall and Breanna in to see and they could both tell the difference as well, so it was not just my imagination. I needed to be re-wrapped and since Andrea showed Marshall how to do it and let him show her that he could, he was able to get the dressings back on and tighter. That evening we went grocery shopping. It was payday and therefore grocery day. I like grocery shopping. and I was walking in the store and the pain was not there...not like it was before. I still had some minor hip pain...but not to the extent it was.

Saturday is chore day at home...I was moving more freely, doing the dishwasher duty, laundry and I was feeling overall better. Sunday came and I told Marshall I wanted to walk and where. He dropped me off in town at Harbour Passage, walking path along the port of the city.I asked him to meet me at the end, but thankfully he was not listening to me and met me halfway. My hip was really hurting, but get this, it was cold, and snowing (light snow) I had no gloves and no hat...but I was sweating...yup...I haven't broken into a sweat in years. Monday, I asked him to pick me up at a different location and that also gave me about a 15 minute walk, only it was windy, cold and I was in a sweat. Today is Wednesday Feb 10th, I am going to walk after work and get him to pick me up somewhere down the passage. I am going to strive to get further and do more walking today.

I know I jumped ahead a little but my next post will be about the appointment I had with Andrea Tuesday, Feb 9th. I have some wonderful things to share, including pictures and video. :o)

Postponed

2010-01-28T17:14:00.002-04:00

The title says it all. Andrea with the Lymphedema Clinic called and cancelled. I was so upset, I did not post about it. She is supposed to call me back with more appointments soon. All I seem to do anymore is wait....

But yet...no one has to wait for me :o(

A Brand New Start : Part 2

2010-01-18T09:49:00.009-04:00

After much begging and pleading with my doctor to help me with the enormous amount of pain and swelling in my legs, I went to see someone at the Lymphedema clinic at the hospital. It was a long time coming. I asked my primary care physician (PCP) to send me years ago, and she felt there was no need and dismissed it. All the while my legs kept getting bigger and I grew steadily more depressed. With having two herniated discs in my back, migraines almost daily (they have slowed somewhat with a couple changes in medications, but they are still very much part of my life)and the pain from the increasingly swollen legs, I was absolutely miserable. I am stubborn and try very hard NOT to take medication for pain. When I do take medication, I feel as though the pain has won, and I have lost the battle of that specific day. I fear becoming dependent on the medication, I want to be pain AND medication free. That doesn't seem like a lot to ask for, and yet it is a fight sometimes to get someone to listen to me. My family listens but cannot do much. Doctors well, they are great, but sometimes with them being so busy, they can lose their naturally empathetic nature and just see me as just another complainer.

Finally the straw that finally broke the camels back, is when the Active Living Clinic (for weight loss and better nutrition) refused to believe me that I have been following their plan, basically it was Canada's Food Guide. OK, so I slipped occasionally. Don't we all! But for the most part, I had no appetite anymore,and I really tried. I also complained to them about my 'growing' legs. Despite losing weight in my arms and upper torso, my legs were gaining and the scale just kept creeping up. I measured them and could feel the increasing pressure in the lower legs. The physio therapist stated I have lymphedema and need it treated and have my legs wrapped. This was the first I heard about this disorder, and from there that began my search for my health. The endocrinologist told me there was nothing further he could do with regards to my weight and that I would have to "fix my issues mentally, before I could proceed further". AHHHH Yes...the old "It's in your head, we don't know how to fix you, and you are so not worth my time" Been there many times before, and I heard it again. Here we go again! Me crying in another doctors office, begging for help, and they tell me I am a lost cause. I wanted to die. I am not suicidal, not at all. I just didn't want to live anymore, I would never terminate my life, but I did wish I were dead. The dietitian came in and stared me down and pretty much called me a liar without using those exact words. She said if I was doing everything right I would be losing weight. I must not be doing it right and she had no further advise for me either. Needless the say the three 'professionals' listed above were all from the 'Active Living Clinic' The only one of any use was the physio therapist who saw that my legs were NOT NORMAL.

Back to my primary care physician (PCP), The first time I requested to see someone about the lymphedema, she turned me down, after doing more and more research online, I concluded I did have lymphedema, as most every person's legs looked like mine and we all shared a similar issue with doctors and dietitians telling us to lose weight, and no success. I also read up on Lipedema to a smaller degree. I will elaborate more as my posts go on.

I went back to my PCP and this time, I did not ask for a referral, I TOLD her I wanted a referral. She agreed to an assessment in the lymphedema clinic. She told me to call and provided the number for the clinic. I called and asked if they received my referral, no they had not. I called my PCP's office and could not get through for days. Finally I asked my husband to go and see them and request a copy of the referral be resent. The secretary acted confused,and booked an appointment for me with my PCP. I went to the appointment and asked again about the referral, she stated she would send it along shortly. I left and about a week later called the lymphedema clinic about this referral, they still had not received it, this happened two more times, with the PCPs office and referral, to the call to Lymphedema clinic. Finally the lymphedema clinic advised that if my PCP could write up a quick note I would be able to walk the referral in and that may be faster. I did just that. I went to see my PCP which, by the way, was about 10 months since I requested the referral. I took the referral right up to the clinic and handed it to them personally. Within a week, I had my appointment for the assessment. I was diagnosed with Lipedema and secondary Lymphedema. I will do separate posts to differentiate between the two and to highlight some profound information, that was a positive turn around for me.

Therapy starts tomorrow. It includes Manual Lymph draining (massage technique) wrapping my legs to reduce them, and then eventually graduating to support stockings. This is a life long disorders, I will have to maintain the care of these legs to prevent them from swelling again.

I will be posting pictures of my legs now...and as treatment goes along, hopefully some impressive pictures of results. :o)

A Brand New Start : Part 1

2010-01-13T14:27:00.018-04:00

For years, I, like so many, have been battling my weight. I am at my biggest and I have fought for years to gain control. I have been so ashamed of myself, slowly turning inside of myself. I love computers. I can speak with people and share my life, without really needing to see them. I so dislike my appearance; soon this will change. This is the 'start' of me gaining my control back. First, I need to explain how I got here.

For years I have had issues with my legs and huge rear end. It all started about when I was 15, I noticed my legs were getting thicker, despite the fact that I was an avid jogger back then. The doctors and everyone else simply said it is because I am building up my calf muscles. I eventually started having trouble buying pants. My calves were large, my thighs were bigger and my ass was HUGE...and yet I had a smaller waist. This meant most of my pants were falling off my hips, tight on my legs, and not on my waist. Belts helped temporarily until I decided to wear pleated pants. They were a life saver to me, in 'normal' people when they wore them they appeared to have blousy trousers, for me they were 'just right'. I continued to live my life, and then my life slowly started to fall apart. I had a series of bad, abusive relationships. I did resort to food for comfort WHEN I had food, but that is another story.

After I had my first child, I started gaining weight almost exponentially, or at least it felt that way. I remember having a complete meltdown at my legs...just my legs...I cried and panicked when I was telling my family about how big they are getting. I was dismissed. My brother stated he has big legs too, and showed me his calves, but um... he is male and being a male, his makeup and structure is a little different than that of women. I accepted it, and became more and more self conscious of my appearance. I was slowly becoming more and more of a recluse, I just wasn't aware of it. YET

I moved away to go to school, just me and my little man (my son). We moved to a new city where I knew NO ONE. I gradually made friends, but while I was waiting, food was my friend. So I know I had a large part to play in my "becoming supersized" What I did not have control over was how large my ass and legs would become. Shorts were no longer an item I would allow in my closet or drawers. Dresses that did not go to my ankles were a flat out NONO. I did have a bathing suit and even though it was rarely used I reserved my bathing suit for when I went to a water park OUTSIDE of town or a sparsely populated beach where no one knew me, or if they could, at least they would not know me.

I hated and still hate looking at myself in the mirror and seeing what I DID to myself. I begged for help, with so many doctors. They put me on diets (and believe it or not, I did follow them. I tried diet pills and exercise and even resorted to only eating one meal a day). I tried EVERYTHING and my legs got bigger and I would only lose a small amount of weight overall. One of my docs said at the time "Well, you are healthy, perhaps you are meant to be this way" Physically I was fine. I would get awful pains in my lower legs from time to time, but I always had those as far back as I remember. Other doctors said they had no answers, and pretty much gave up, and in time I gave up too. When I was younger, I didn't have the blood pressure issues and bad back issues that are such an integral, albeit negative, part of my life right now. I did have back pain, but episodes were 'few and far between' and those related issues were mild compared to painful hell that is my life now. As time moved on, my weight became more and more of an issue. I had my daughter and during that pregnancy I had pregnancy induced hypertension. Although it was not as severe as when I was pregnant, it was something I would come to live with long after my littlest angel was born.

My daughter was only a year old when I decided to start working, I became my own boss. I owned and operated my own taxis. About six months in to my new business venture, a lady ran a red light in the wee hours of the morning (5AM), she had just come out from a coffee run to Tim Horton's and was late getting back to work. So instead of stopping she decided to charge through... and the rest is history!! I won't bore you with the details. Needless to say, I was in excruciating pain, pretty much bedridden (well couch ridden anyway)and I lost my precious car...I loved that car. I loved it more once I found out from the adjusters that car may have actually even saved my life due to being made with 'real metal'.

Whoa...I can really go off on a tangent there, can't I.... I always wondered why for years I thought my name was "Shut-up Danielle" I TALKED ALL THE TIME!!! Much to the annoyance of family, friends, teachers, and countless others. No wonder sometimes I don't get taken seriously. I mean really, I have valid issues, people just turn down their listening when I talk. Now that I am a mother and have children much like myself; I understand, I really do and I do make a concerted effort to listen to them, as I know the pain that is felt when you are ignored or yelled at simply for 'talking'. This is another topic and I must get back on track or you, my dear readers, will not finish reading my post.

This was all to set the stage for my upcoming post: A Brand New Start : Part 2. I will also name specific topics related to issues directly i.e. Lipedema, Lymphedema, Back Pain, and perhaps some other issues as they may (or may not) come up.

Hemlock Knoll

2008-09-26T09:35:00.007-03:00

This past Saturday, I went to work with Marshall. Anyway, he told me of this place where some Bald Eagles hang out. You can put two and two together. Marshall is a Sanitation Engineer AKA garbage truck driver and Hemlock Knoll....is a Waste Management Facility AKA The DUMP. He told me how sad he feels for these Eagles, some of them their white heads can barely be seen as it is covered in black from picking through the garbage.

When we got into Hemlock Knoll, past the scales and about three miles in, I saw them soaring through the sky, having never seen an Eagle up close, except the Golden Eagle at USM so many years ago, but never a Bald Eagle, I was excited and a little sad. The beautiful birds, picking through garbage like an ordinary Seagull. Marshall told me, they are still great hunters and would fair well in the wild...but the pickin's are easy and good at the dump. This dump is what I like to refer to a specialty dump, although there is household waste, Marshall hauls waste from the Seafood manufacturers... So what is not canned or bottled or processed, and can't be used, is thrown out. This is where it goes...and I guess these birds just love it, so I know at least they are eating well, although it is something we probably would not eat ourselves. So at very least these pretty birds do eat, they just look awful. I was able to snap some pictures of a few of them, and most looked pretty clean to me. I will let you be the judge.

The Most Colourful Time of the Year

2008-09-26T09:18:00.003-03:00

Yes, it is not Spring, or Summer, or even Christmas with all the red and green... No no....It is FALL!!!! Yippee!!! I love fall, this means Winter is quickly approaching and I LOVE WINTER!!!! It also means an end to bugs and a start to more outside fun, like piling logs and wood for Winter!!! It means my dog is shedding and will be cleaned up and clipped so she can retreat inside the house, as my Samoyed/Red Husky mix dog is scared of the snow and cold. She is already starting to "knock" at the door with her paws wanting in... time to put on my heated mattress pad and add on that extra blanket. The chimney will be swept and cleaned, ready to be used again, for some nice cosy nights. OH YAY!!! I do love this time of year. I look around and see so many sad faces, they are Summers....I can appreciate how they feel with Winter approaching, I feel the same way when Spring comes...kinda blue...yes it is a change...but I can't wait for WINTER again!!!

Please enjoy the pictures of my Maple and Birch trees starting to change in my front yard. I love standing on my little porch...just looking at the trees. It just gives me that very nice feeling inside...One I can't explain to give it justice but I am sure a great many of you can relate to that 'mystical feeling of content and sheer happiness'.

YAY for FALL...and a BIG YAY for Winter....It is supposed to be a cold one this year... Sometimes that means not so much snow...but we will see!!!!

BB all grown up and out of the house.

2008-09-09T11:03:00.002-03:00

For the love of Bee Bee Continued

2008-09-09T10:44:00.005-03:00

Since Blogger would not let me post more than 5 pictures and I have so many more...I will just add them as I go:

For the Love of BEE BEE (BB)

2008-09-09T10:33:00.003-03:00

Remember, some time ago, I told you of my daughter 'raising' a baby bird. Well she came home with pictures, plenty of them, which I am sure will provide many stories as well as wonderful memories, especially every time she sees a Robin. I will spare you a long drawn out story. Here are the pictures that say a thousand words:

Hmmmm...I don't remember this job posting....

2008-08-04T12:12:00.001-03:00

PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!

POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do... or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

** AND A FOOTNOTE 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER! **

GOT PROMOTION?!?!?!?!?!

2008-07-31T13:41:00.003-03:00

Yes, I did.... 'NUFF SAID!!!!

Finally some good news....WOO HOO!!!!

Danielle is now a "Technical Support Analyst" Tier 1. YAY for me!!

BB (or as I now see it Bee Bee)

2008-07-24T14:01:00.002-03:00

Sorry about the resolution. This is actually a picture of a picture. It was sent to me via snail mail. This picture was taken the day after Bee Bee was saved. So she was quite young.

FREEDOM!!!!

2008-07-22T17:43:00.002-03:00

BB has been set free.

The little bird that was spared some time ago, grew into a beautiful Robin. She (I am assuming female, we aren't really sure how else to tell) grew and flew gradually as she gained her strength. She would even fly behind Breanna into the kitchen when she went to get her vitamins. They decided to give her a gradual release. At first, they let her out of her cage; she got out and just stayed on the deck. The next day, she flew to the top of the apartment. When her name was called she came down and perched on Breanna's finger. Eventually, she left and was not readily seen. They left the cage out and food in case this poor little thing got scared out in the big wild world. She didn't. She is free, I am assuming, happily exploring this world of hers.

Breanna is sad, but yet happy all at the same time. She hasn't come back. This reminds me of a poem we have, I am sure, all heard at least once in our lifetime:

If you love something

If you love something
Set it free
If it comes back to you
It's probably hungry and confused
If it doesn't
Something else probably ate it

Wait...that isn't the right one....GOTCHA, here is the right one:

If You Love Something Set It Free
If It Comes Back,
It Was And Always Will Be Yours

If It Never Returns,
It Was Never Yours To Begin With

I hope everyone has a wonderful week!!!!

God Bless You!!!!

What a DAY!!!....WHAT A DAY!!!!!!

2008-07-14T17:16:00.004-03:00

Today has to be one of the luckiest days I have had... You know the days.... all green lights, cars let you in when in traffic...you win contests and don't remember entering...you know just good old-fashioned lucky days!!!!!!

Since Marshall and I are sharing a vehicle, sometimes things get tight scheduling wise. He has to be at work and driving for 6:30 AM, and I am due to start my shift at 1 PM....long day.... but we make it work...and we have quality time doing so, we grab a coffee, sip it while waiting for his truck to get out of the shop. Why wake up at 5 AM for a truck that was in the shop all weekend and won't be ready until noon...I'll never know...it is unpaid time, but we enjoy our time together. We always do.

This day started better than most, I actually managed to get a great night sleep, no headache waking me through the night, no horrible nightmares from taking migraine medicine through the night. That itself can set the tone for the entire day. But that is not all...no-no.it gets so much better!!!!

As I am getting ready, Marshall turns on the stereo, country channel of course (although I listen to almost any genre of music, Marshall is partial to country) almost right away, they break into the news, a shotgun fired in the South End...No biggie... No injuries, no damage, just noise. Second News item of the day... the news guy Jim starts saying something to the effect about the rumours being true, then he says Elton John is COMING TO SAINT JOHN!!!! OH MY LAND!!!!! My mouth just dropped and I looked at Marshall and he says to me simply "Well, there ya go, dear!"

I have to back this up a little...Since I was a wee little thing (and yes I was little and wee at one time believe it or not) I have listened to Elton John and I have loved his music, and still do... For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to see him in concert. I have told many people that it is my wish that before I die, I see Elton John and Billy Joel in concert. What can I say: I love the Piano Men!!!! LOL

He is coming to my town...NEVER in my life did I think Elton would come to Saint John...It is not a major city and the closest Elton ever got was Montréal or Boston. This is truly a dream come true for me. Tickets go on sale Saturday. I still have to try and get tickets.... that may prove to be difficult since the arena he will be playing in holds only 3000 people. I have hope though, as he is playing at other cities in Atlantic Canada, so it may not be so hard when you don't have to compete with the people from the surrounding provinces. Ok, so once I get my tickets I will let everyone know I have.... and if I do...then I know I will just have to go and see Billy Joel live.

But wait! There's more (I sound like an infomercial)! Marshall and I got to spend the morning together and talking about this, I called my mother and confirmed that she would be able to attend this concert with me. My mother said she would, she knows how much this means to me. She even said this is THE concert to attend if any.... Good, now I have good company.... what else could go so beautifully today...? I am glad you asked.... I come to work and open my email, to several emails from my co-workers:

Hi danielle,

I see you have won the 2nd Prize.

Congratulations!!!!!

Nasreen

and

CONGRATS!!!!

Good job Danielle!!!!

Alana

I didn't have a clue why I was being congratulated...but obviously it was for something good...Well, as I sorted through umpteen emails from just over the weekend, I come across this one:

Hey Folks!

Happy Monday! Below are the winners of the June Hollywood Incentive:

Danielle LeBlanc completed the entire IP BootCamp and will receive 7.5 hours of float time
Peter Burke completed an IP BootCamp course(s) and will receive 4 hours of float time

1st prize is a "Movie Night In" Package consisting of a PS3 with Blu Ray Player, a free game, a Block Buster Gift Card, and movie munchies! Valued at $500

2nd prize is a "Movie Night Out" Package consisting of an Empire Theatre Gift Card and a Boston Pizza Gift Card. Valued at $100

3d prize is your choice of Gift Card from Future Shop, Empire Theatre or Blockbuster. Valued at $50

1st Prize Winner - Brent Caldwell
2nd Prize Winner - Danielle LeBlanc
3rd Prize Winner - Michelle Lucas

Congratulations everyone! Details for July's incentive to follow soon!

I forgot about our incentive....so needless to say, I got a paid day off, $50 in Theater Movie Card, $50 Boston Pizza Card and MY ELTON is COMING TO TOWN...September 30,2008.

I am used to not having the best of luck, and so it is the sweetest of treats when something like this happens. It put a smile on my face!!!!!

Finally, I have a place to wear my beautiful shirt Breanna bought me at Elton John's store in Las Vegas:

And YES BABY!!!! I am so wearing this to the concert....ELTON HERE I COME!!!!!

This may not sound like a big deal....but today almost brought tears of joy to my eyes. It was/is a wonderful day...and it is a MONDAY...Who said Blah Mondays.... well not me, not anymore!!!!!

The true story of BB: A lesson in love

2008-07-04T18:55:00.002-03:00

BB is the name of a bird. Before I start the story, I must explain the name. My daughter asked me what a good name for a bird is…without hesitation…I said “BB”…and then added “as in BBQ”, it was suppertime…and I wanted chicken…BBQ chicken. Well, as you can guess Breanna loved the name BB… even though I was kidding…. but hey whatever works. Here is the start:

I allowed my daughter to go up to my parents after I was guaranteed her thieving punishment would continue. My brother and my parents promised me they would. They did say they would give her privileges as she earned them and worked for them. Fair enough, we have worked this out and I think this suited her misdeeds. One early day, my brother was mowing his lawn when he tapped his lawnmower into his picnic table, well be darned if a little bird fell to the ground under a small heap of sticks and leaves. This one and only baby bird with a broken nest. There was no way to fix it and not much could be done as often once a human touches such things, mothers will abandon them even if they know that is theirs. Paul put on gloves and did what he could but the nest would not hold and he dared not leave poor (soon-to-be) BB there to starve and be abandoned without a nest, that being said, this is nature and in the wild this is what would happen…but not Paul…not my family…we love our animals always have, always will.

He went immediately up to my parents’ apartment. (Paul owns the building and my parents lease the apartment from him) Breanna and Ashley (my niece, four months younger than Breanna) came out to find out what was going on. Immediately my brother told her and Ash to go out and get some worms. Ash went but she is not a friend of nature (well at least not the creepy crawlies) and Breanna had to get the worms herself. When she came back they had placed BB into a box with old rags and Breanna held a worm over BB’s head and it opened its little beak like baby birds do and ate the worm. Every day, Breanna went out gathering worms for her baby bird. The bird was left in the care of the two girls as Paul has two dogs and both he and his wife work full time outside of the home so he knew he wouldn’t be able to care for the baby bird as much as they would.

It came to the point whenever the baby bird saw Breanna it would lift its little head and reach for food; I guess Breanna became BB’s adopted mother. BB would sing and chirp much to the delight of all of the family members and I have been put on the phone to listen to BB’s song. BB could not fly, it would flap it’s wings clumsily…but as time went on getting stronger and fatter on the diet of worms, at last report last night BB was able to flap it’s wings and hover about a foot off the ground, but cannot fly in a direction, yet.

Pictures have been taken, but since my parents don’t have a computer they can’t be sent to me. My sister in law has been dealing with some other issues and cannot add them to her computer at this time. I am being patient though. Since they had BB, it is become apparent that BB is a robin. At first, there were no distinctive markings. It loves to ride on Breanna’s and my brother’s fingers. If anyone tries to get the bird on their finger, my father for instance,the little bird just keeps traveling up my brothers arm and nestles his neck for ‘protection’. BB has picked his new parents. My brother; his lifesaver (twice) and my daughter; the meal provider.

One day, they decided to try and feed bread to BB. He must have been too young still; he was choking on the bread. My father immediately told my brother to go and get one of his syringes while he held the little bird. They removed the needle and used just the plunger to ‘suction’ BB. He is fine now, twice this little bird almost lost his little life, both times because of our family, and both times saved by our family.

My mother, who of all of us, is more sensible and opts to keep a distance, stated in a booming voice…NO MORE BREAD…just worms!!!! …This had scared her. BB has gotten into all of our hearts.

Breanna wants me to go up and see BB, but it is a 5-hour drive one way and this time is not such a good time to go. Breanna knows BB will have to be released when it can fly on it’s own. They are now trying to teach it to find worms they are placed on the ground. He can’t just yet. Right now, he is just being loved, and cared for the only way we know how. He is thriving and singing every day. He was saved twice because of love, and he is thriving because of that same love.

I will add a picture of BB as soon as I can obtain one.

Quiet family supper

2008-05-30T20:49:00.002-03:00

Today, we went out to eat. This is not a rare occurrence, but this one is one worth noting.

We went to a little seafood restaurant called Comeau's. They have the best seafood. It is small, intimate, yet very casual. The food is amazing. Due to the distance we have to travel to get there, we only go very rarely, but it is well worth the trip. There always people coming as it is quite popular and we are not the only people who travel to get there. The prices are reasonable as well.

I ordered the fish and chips, Breanna ordered her favourite Poutine (French Fries smothered in cheese curds and brown gravy, definitely an artery clogger, but it does taste great) and Marshall ordered the clams. We were having some laughs and then our supper arrived. We still chat but not as much as when you are waiting for the food...Kinda hard to talk when you are trying to eat... that is while maintaining some proper meal etiquette.

I noticed in the table kitty corner to ours, a small family, a man, woman and two children one appeared to be Breanna's age but was a boy and then an adorable little girl (toddler) in a high chair. They had placed their order. Usually I don't overhear other peoples conversations, but in a small restaurant like this one, it can't be avoided. The entire family ordered the fish and chips and the mother ordered macaroni and cheese for the little one. I overheard the mother order a side of gravy...I am assuming for her french fries...Everyone eats fries and gravy it seems. Anyway, as time went on their order came to the table. I overheard the woman say to her husband that is her gravy on his plate. (It was placed in a small cup on the side of his plate). He yelled back at her that it was not hers, and told her that she did not order the gravy. I was upset as I know she had....I overheard it and I wanted to say something...but it is not my place and well why make a scene and embarrass my family defending her.....Though I really wanted to as I knew she was being accused of not ordering something she did.

Enough of what I thought, here is what transpired. She vehemently exclaimed that she did order gravy as she requested it to be placed on her fries and the waitress advised it is served in a small cup. Her husband/boyfriend/ignoramus told her she did not order gravy that it was the last time they were there that she did and she is mistaken...with that the son piped up and told his mother that she is crazy and she did not order gravy. The woman sat with a look on her face part embarrassment and part shame/sadness. Two people were telling her she was wrong....I was getting ready to step over there (a big two steps away) and defend this poor woman. All of a sudden in a stern yet not very loud voice she told them the following " I am not crazy, do not try and tell me what I know to be true, don't try and make me out to be insane." WOW....Not really what I was expecting, but I felt very proud for standing her ground. With that statement her husband pushed his food away and told her to stop her behaviour or he was leaving. She told him to leave... she was not going to have someone accuse her of not saying something she knew she had said. Her son kept up telling her she was wrong, repeatedly. The husband gave her the gravy cup and told her that "she can have it anyway". This woman ate her meal in tears in this restaurant. I so badly wanted to tell her I heard her...but then I thought, maybe I shouldn't get involved.

You see her husband was a large man, and he appeared quite angry (male PMS or something), her son appeared to have a little chip on his shoulder. If I spoke up, perhaps this woman would be made to feel worse....and I could clearly see she was already in a great deal of emotional pain. I said a silent prayer for her at the table. Just then the waitress came up and asked if everything were ok with the meal, the lady looked up and asked the lady if she could remember who ordered the gravy, as she has issues with her memory slipping...(I personally suffer from short term memory loss...so I know all about memory slippage, I could relate, LOL). The waitress looked at her order pad and stated "Yes, you ordered the gravy because you asked if you could have the gravy on the fries and I told you it came in a cup." She said "Dear, did you not want the gravy, I won't charge you for it if you didn't want it." The lady said "I thought so." Smiled and then added the gravy to her french fries.

For the rest of our dinner until the check was paid, no one uttered a word at that table...Not even one word of apology...All I could think of was that poor woman...made to feel bad...and then when she was vindicated no one spoke up to apologize.

I felt two things at that point. I felt both very sorry for that woman, but pleased that she spoke up. I know my prayer was answered to have a waitress with such a great memory vindicate this poor woman. I felt her pain as a similar occurrence happened to me many years ago. I know the shame, and embarrassment. I know that sting of pain when people make you feel small and insignificant as to attempt to humiliate you publicly.

I hope for her sake this was an isolated incident. If not, I hope she keeps that strength and determination that caused her to find out the truth. She was not crazy, far from it, although, I have my doubts about her husband and son....I hope the little one has more respect for her mother as she gets older.

Never a dull moment.

HE'S BAAAAACCCCKKKKK!!!!

2008-05-27T10:19:00.000-03:00

'NUFF SAID....

Short enuff for ya??? hehehehehe

How much wood would a Woodchuck chuck...?

2008-05-26T15:53:00.011-03:00

Wood. Our main source of heat for the Winter. Yes, I do have alternate sources for heat, Kerosene heater, Electric baseboards, but my wood stove, OH, how I love my WOOD STOVE!!! Last Winter, we were caught somewhat unprepared. Our wood was cut and split, but not seasoned. Seasoned for anyone not familiar with this rustic ritual of wood stove heating, is when the wood has time to age and dry up. The perfect fire is attained by having perfectly seasoned wood. We were late obtaining our wood last Winter. So it takes forever to burn and get to a decent heating temperature, not to mention the added chance of creosote buildup in the chimney that can lead to chimney fires, and worse.

We get permits from the Ranger stations and therefore are allowed to go on Crown Land and take dead and/or dying trees, as well as trees that have already fallen. This wood is plentiful in the Crown Land that is used for clear cutting. The companies that clear cut are mainly interested in the softwood, i.e. (Conifers) Spruce, Pine, Cedar. What we use for a longer burn is hardwood, i.e. Maple, Birch, Oak, etc. Clear cutters cut the hardwood to get to the softwood, but leave the hardwood where they land. This is where people like us come in, we obtain this wood, that is no longer living and we use it for fuel wood. We truck it home saw it in chunks and split is so it fits in our little (but yet packs quite the heat) Wood stove.

I understand that Wood stoves do generate some pollutants into the air, then again so does the coal powered generating station outside of Saint John. I am not sure where my power for my house is obtained, either from the Nuclear Plant near my house, the Coal Generated, or the Hydro-electric facility in Saint John. I do believe it is a shame and a waste to cut down a perfectly good hardwood tree to obtain only softwood. The Rangers agree with this as well, as the removal of fallen trees allow for new growth to emerge from the soil the fallen trees had covered.

This brings me to another love, my love for the forest and the natural beauty within it. I love driving the trails that were cleared by loggers, I take pictures of what I find so beautiful in this world. We are cautious to not go outside the path already created, so not to disturb any flora or fauna.

As we obtained this years permit, we sought out the woodlots that our permit cover, so we can get some wood. Since the leaves have not yet come in we were able to see a sight that we have missed before. Without the hindrances of leaves and grass, etc, we were able to get a good clear picture of the destruction that lies after clear cutters have taken from the land. Don't get me wrong, I am not a true 'tree hugger' but there was a definite sadness to the barren woods. All that could be seen were stumps and countless white birch that was fallen in order for a 'skidder' (the machinery that tramples through the woods cutting everything in its wake) to get the much desired softwood.

There is no speed limit in the woods, we prefer about 5 Km/hr. Why race through such beauty and/or sadness, depending on what area you travel? Not only do we get an amazing sight to see (negative or positive), but also we can reflect on nature in all it's glory. We also have time to discuss issues that come about and most recently it was waste. Wood waste. Everyone talks about plastic bags, ok, so they don't compost and take forever to degrade, and all the needless packaging filling up our landfills, etc. But yet, wood can be mulched, not often enough do you see these people do this. Not everyone has access to a mulching machine. I know I don't.

There are bins for plastic, glass, aluminum, etc. Nothing for garbage wood. Wood will degrade in time, sure, and it will fill up our landfills just as much as any other substance. In the future, it will probably be the one of the few things in a landfill that was able to degrade.

While going around to various establishments, Marshall and I noted all the pallets that are sitting in or near dumpsters, and/or fields behind these shops. I did some research and there are pallet recyclers around, but not here. Not enough business in this neck of the woods. We decided to talk to some of these businesses about their intentions with the pallets. Most do not recycle, not cost effective enough to do so, there is no establishment here that recycles them. When asked what they do with the old pallets they stated "we dump them", they put them in the dumpsters and then once full are taken to the landfill with the rest of the commercial waste.

BRAIN STORM. We need wood, pallets are made of untreated wood, mostly hardwood. We decided to ask about obtaining these pallets, and they told us we would be doing them a favour taking them away, as it would lower their dump fees, etc. "GOOD ENOUGH!" Some places were able to keep some as some smaller establishments recycle only their own pallets and the rest are scrap. They are in perfect shape...well, that is for as perfect as a pallet could be.

We figure, well, as best as I can hope, that we would be doing a service to recycle these pallets into fuel wood. We need wood and this wood is going to waste literally. So for the past week and a half, Marshall has been going around to these various establishment asking about the pallets that are left behind and forgotten. Some have even been left in fields not even good enough to burn, but yet still intact and taking up space.

In a week and a half, he was able to collect over 180 pallets, with many more places to go, but we have run out of room in our front yard. Even my father-in-law's yard is full. Marshall decides to be a 'squirrel' and collect his 'nuts' for the Winter coming assuring me that he will not be caught off guard this Winter. Marshall, his dad, his nephew, Breanna and I have all taken to task the dismantling of these pallets. Once they are disassembled they are cut to fit our wood stove. I have included pictures of our wood pile.

I do not condone anyone reading this and/or stealing pallets from establishments. We spoke with the establishments for the gathering of these pallets. We respect their decisions if they state they keep them or recycle them; although it was almost disturbing the amount of places that state they 'dump them'.

I wanted to share my experience, in some very small way, of helping the recycling movement. I know it will be turned into pollutants, but the way I see it, is if I am not using electricity that is generated in a coal generated power plant, then wood combustion is far less harmful to the environment than coal combustion.

So, there is my reasoning. Ok...and I am cheap....it costs $200 plus delivery (up to $80) for one cord of wood. It costs a tank of gas at most to collect and transfer all those pallets to my house (They equal two cord of wood). It takes time to disassemble and saw the wood, but we need the exercise anyway. My power bill running off just electricity costs $300 in the dead of Winter. So, yeah, wherever I can cut a corner to save a few pennies, I do so.

I am at work today, It is Memorial Day in the US. Even though we are a global company, a good majority of our clients are in North America, so it is quite slow today. To all my American readers: I hope you had a wonderful Memorial Day. Today I not only thought of wood, but of my cousin Steve who is the in the US Army. He is a medic and overseas in Iraq. I think not only of those who have lost their lives, also of those still fighting for ours. God Bless!!!!

Migraines!!!

2008-04-30T19:53:00.001-03:00

I have been diagnosed with classic Migraines. This is not something new. I have had had them for years. I get all the classic symptoms, blurred vision, nausea, sensitivity to light and sound and
some smells. They recommend a dark room. Well that is fine for someone who may get one or two per month, but mine were almost a daily occurence.

I logged my dietary intake for an entire month as they were certain if was

probably a sensitivity

to something I eat. Well, Chocolate, caffeine, carrots and well something else, I can't remember, it was so long ago now, were all migraine triggers (as well as others that I did not consume)...my heart was broken CHOCOLATE???? My beloved CHOCOLATE???? COFFEE??? I love COFFEE....the only thing I want to be around or hear from early in the morning is my coffee maker....anyone else stays away until I have my daily infusion of coffee!!! Carrots, I could take or leave...I like them....but I was not addicted to them...hehehe

I did what the doctor and dietitians requested. I abstained from coffee and chocolate....that was ROUGH...carrots, not so much...I crunch on peppers or celery, whatever. The other trigger...well was not that important as I can't remember what it was....BUT COFFEE AND CHOCOLATE....pull out my brain if you must but DON'T TAKE MY COFFEE AND CHOCOLATE...OK , so I am a little overly dramatic today!!!! Anyway, as much as this pains me to say, it also gave me great joy to go back and tell all these lovely people I STILL HAVE THE MIGRAINES!!!! I followed that statement with a question "Can I please get my chocolate and coffee back?" Answer yes, WOO HOO....weird as that sounds....I would rather suffer with Migraines knowing my coffee and chocolate were still there to comfort me if need be :o)

So month number two started with cataloguing when they started. Occasionally, I would literally wake up in the morning with one....those were the worst ones...as I could barely raise my head. I would have to sleep with medication beside me in bed, with a glass of water always on watch in case one would wake me up....what a way to wake up. I also found that I had more than my average amount of these migraines at work. Right now, I am at work and I am feeling that weird aura feeling that precedes my awake migraines. I take my medication as soon as that feeling starts and often times it will diminish the severity of the headaches. That way I can still work, and I do love my job. So going home has never been an option for me. I have been told by the Team Lead, if I do not go home on my own, he would send me. I have had to have work darken my office, I am not the only one, it seems there are others here as well who prefer to work in the darkened offices. Fluorescent lights are evil. LOL They are the cause of my pain!!!!

Back to the doctor I go. They decide, that since these events are so frequent they will give me medication prophylactically to keep them at bay. I started with 10 mg Elavil. This is an "old" antidepressant which was not very good at its task. They did find that the "side effects" were useful in treating so many other disorders, like Myofascial Pain Syndrome, Migraines, and so many others. If only all failed medications were as productive, huh? I was given orders that I could increase the amount by 10 mg at a time, after I have been on the medication for 2 months, if I find they are returning to a maximum of 40 mg. Needless to say, after two years of this, I am up to 40 mg and working on trying to get approval for 50 mg.

Although, I know now what my trigger is, I can't really escape it. I use sunglasses at work. My mother has told me with my hair and the style of my sunglasses, I look like Ozzy Osbourne. Not sure if that is a compliment or insult, I digress, I look pretty odd, wearing sunglasses in a darkened office, with a screen shield over my monitor. Weekends are a Godsend to me. I find that even if I get one on the weekend the severity is quite diminished, and they don't seem to linger as long. Perhaps, that is because I also go into the dark room. My bedroom. Blue walls, Navy Blue blinds with Navy Blue drapes over them. No noise, light, eventually no more pain!!! I would so love for my doctor to say there is a cure, but for now, I can treat them, they have become a part of my life. I am not writing this for pity or to complain. No, just to inform.
To give people who don't suffer with these some information and those that
do, to share my experience.

Oh and I got that aura feeling as I began typing this post. I let my mind decide the topic while I hope for some speedy relief from my medication. It hasn't gotten worse. My shift will be over soon, and so comes the long commute, hehehe, 30 minutes is an eternity when you are in pain.

Well, I will post again, hopefully it will be something a little more upbeat....something to put a smile on your face.....I gots to go and FIND ME SOME CHOCOLATE!!!!! For some reason, I am craving chocolate.... :o)

Great Ending to a Very Stressful Week

2008-04-25T18:28:00.000-03:00

The title pretty much says it all. But being the windbag I am and have been known to be ;o), I have to elaborate.

Dad had his surgery yesterday. From the way the doctors were talking before the procedure they expected things to be far more complicated than once anticipated. My dad's tumour was quite large. It was a tumour in his bladder and the tumour was 3/4 the size of a normal bladder. On Thursday, the surgeon gave my father an Epidural (due to his heart and lungs having other issues, this was the only option). They removed the tumour completely and immediately ran a Path on the tumour to determine the nature. It was malignant. We expected that as did the doctors. The good news came after the complete removal while they were waiting for the Pathology to come back, the were able to determine that the tumour was not invasive as once thought and the Ultrasound showed it being invasive (spread). They determined that at this time, no Chemo or Radiation will be required. He will need to be "scoped", every three months. Fine, we will take that....My entire family breathed a sigh of relief as my father has experienced so much pain and suffering due to his health from a very young age (17). We always asked the question "Why Dad?" Dad is one of the more "faithful" people I know. He has a strong tie to his church and God. I know a lot stronger than all of us combined. My mother always said "God will only give your father what He thinks your dad can handle." No matter what health issue, or crisis comes about that man maintains his faith and his strength. I have always maintained that my father is one of the strongest people I know. Not just physically strong to have endured all he has....but spiritually, and he has never given up faith, not even a little bit.

So now on to everyone, everywhere:

To everyone, family, and friends, your prayers were answered. Our prayers were answered. You will be blessed for your goodness. I just know it. You have supported me in some really rough emotional times. Although, some not close distance wise, I know your heart was there for me, and I thank you so very much!!! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!!

What a rough old week!!!!

2008-04-24T12:29:00.000-03:00

'My last post told of Breanna and I having a girls night, since her father went away trucking. Well, it has turned into a girls week. We have done some yard work, minor construction in the house (replacing some window trim, LOL), done some shopping for hair dye...and yes our hair is now Burgundy, Breanna's is lighter as she was blonde and mine is very dark since my hair was reddish-brown. Marshall will not know what hit him when he comes into the yard and sees all the changes esthetically to the house and of course his little girl and well me, too.

Here is a picture with Breanna and her new hair colour. She will only be a teenager once...and well, we did it together. She says I am a 'cool mom'....and I think that is a pretty sweet title. I have a 'cool kid'. It is a little dark but it will fade. Mine always does LOL.

Marshall today is in Florida, just outside of Orlando. He has picked up a load of something, not sure what...lol to bring back here. He should be back on Saturday, Sunday at the latest barring no mechanical complications. Marshall is co-driving with a fella from Alabama named Dewayne. I had an opportunity to speak with Dewayne when Marshall was outside adjusting the brakes and he picked up the phone. I told Dewayne, to introduce Marshall to southern foods. I want him to experience some southern goodies, like Biscuits and gravy, Country fried steak, etc. Dewayne said he will do...Last account Marshall had the biscuits and gravy for breakfast with an iced tea...HE HAS NEVER HAD ICED TEA BEFORE!!!

Tuesday, I had my surgery, nothing major and I feel great!!!! My dad's operation is occurring as I am typing this post. I wanted to be there, but my sister flew in from Michigan and my brother and mother is there as well. Not much I can do but wait and get the report. I have been put off work for three days and this is my third day. Not sure if I would've faired better with work as a distraction. Waiting is always so very hard.

I will update again as soon as I find out something.

Thanks for reading!!!

Mar 21,2008

2008-03-21T13:05:00.000-03:00

Well, this is my first post. I have never done this before. I figure it is about time I get with the 21st century. I am at work today, It is dreadfully slow. It is Good Friday in Canada and although I work for an international company, it seems quite a few people are not working today. I am assuming they are taking a long weekend. Well deserved I am sure.

It is still snowing here. This time last year the grass would be starting to turn green and the buds would start making an appearance on the trees. Not here, no....we still have a yard full of snow and it is below zero -5°C ( 23°F) with windchill of -13°C (9°F), yikes....

Don't get me wrong. I love the snow, I missed the snow when I lived down
south.
I have been back in Canada for 20 years...20...that is a long time....and I have never EVER seen this much snowfall in Winter, since I have come back. When I was a just a little one, the snow never seemed to end and it would reach the roof tops. I thought with all the weather changes that I would never see this again. I guess I was wrong.

Last year for Christmas, my entire family went to Disney World. It was balmy and warm. We went swimming every day in an outdoor pool and the kids wore shorts. Right now, I long for that, Florida, the sun and the warmth. According to the calendar, Spring is here. I really wish I could see a sign of it.